by Steven Pike

Created on: October 28, 2008

It's horrible, this growing old business. I am speaking exclusively from a male point of view, although I'm sure strange and disgusting things start to happen to females also.

The first thing I noticed about getting older was the amount of excess hair growing up and out of almost everywhere. I was never a particularly hairy person, but hair appeared first on my upper arms, shoulders and lower back. It was a light covering at first, a bit like the down on a duckling or cygnet, but a few years later it could almost be labelled a pelt. After emerging from the water during Summer, the water almost beads off of my torso. It won't be long and it'll keep me cool in the Summer and warm in the Winter.

Nostrils and ears were the next two areas of concern. I noticed the odd one or two nostril hairs protruding on occasions, but now I have had to invest in a little hair trimmer, the end of which fits neatly up either nostril. The blades spin and trim the hairs. It is essential to make sure the battery is fresh, otherwise the blades slow down and often trap the hairs, pulling painfully on the inside of your nose.

Ear hair is downright embarrassing at times, especially if the light is behind you when talking to someone. Although the back-lit subject looks nice in photographs, this situation highlights every hair either on, or just inside, your ear lobe. You might even catch people stealing sly little glances towards your ears whilst you are talking to them. This is a sure sign that your ear hair is out of control. The above-mentioned hair trimmer works well on ear hair as well.

It wasn't long ago when a young lady who cuts my hair said to me, in all seriousness, "You know, if you want your ear hair trimmed just let us know."

Another sure sign of growing old is failing eyesight. I noticed a few years ago that reading in poor light was becoming almost impossible. The words were blurring together and I had to take frequent breaks to rest. I attended the optometrist and proceeded to tell him that working with computers a lot and reading in poor light may have affected my eyesight. He looked at me and said, "Maybe, but I think it's just that you are getting old."

It is also no longer possible for me to wear the same size trousers I have been wearing since 1990. In fact, I've had to go up two sizes in the last year, despite eating no more or less than ever.

Extra hair, expanding waistline, fading eyesight; and they tell me it only gets worse.

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