by Christina Murray

Created on: October 26, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Yes I am an alcoholic, Chris here grateful sober alcoholic. For years I heard people questioning me about my alcohol consumption, heard, not listen. My answer was always, I can handle it, no harm to anyone or thing but my liver. I wish I would of listened a little more harder. In 2006, the question became reality, and either I sober up or I would not see my kids again. That was the threat from Children and Youth.

The man who held his hand out to me, the Judge of our county, was the first to do so. No badgering, no berating, just honest, caring concern. I, thank God, took his hand and entered a 28 day rehab After the initial shock and fear of going wore off, after the first day, I wondered why I had not done this before.

I tried to convince the counselors the first day that I might have a small drinking problem, but after a few days there I knew this was the place for me. I was seeing my life unfold in every aspect of treatment. The more I read, the more I understood my life and how alcohol had spun it out of control without me realizing it.

Cunning, bafflilng and powerful, alcohol was my enemy and i was the victim. I absorbed every inch of information from our readings, work, meetings we went to, and the most from the counselors. They had been in my position at one time in their life, and were now doing what the program had taught them, to give back and help the newcomer.

Accepting and admitting I am an alcoholic is the most freeing feeling I have ever felt in my life. Up until then, I played the blame game, it was everything and everyone that made me drink. I was selfish and rotten to the core. If I did not get my alcohol, I would sneak, conive and juggle bills to come up with the money. I have to say I never stole to support my habit. Alcohol became number one in my life, over my kids, friends, and mostly me.

I thought alcohol was my best buddy, my pal, the only one who gave me comfort, gave me freedom to think my own way. I thought that with alcohol by my side I could rule the world, no one could get in my way, no one could harm me. Sad thing is, I actually believed my words with my own ears. Until I understood the reality and concept of this disease, I was sinking deeper into despair.

Today I am proud and very thankful to be an alcoholic and have the willilngness to admit it. I have found such a wonderful new way of life that gives me the peace I have never found in alcohol. Through the steps, the program and the wonderful people who are with me through this journey in the program, I now have a life, one that is minus the worry and fear from the past. I can look at my past and accept the things that happened and the ones that didn't. I no longer feel the guilt I had carried around all this time, my past is not a hinderance but rather an asset not only to myself, but also to those around me.

Do things still go wrong, you bet! Life goes on, the good and bad, but I now have the tools to deal with whatever life has to throw at me. My Higher Power is with me twenty four hours a day, never wavering in his love and strength. All I hae to do is ask, and let him take over the worry, and he will lead me the right way. With him I am never alone again.

Am I an alcoholic, yes I am and will be one until the day I die. I will not look back in sorrow but with relief that I can overcome the urge to drink today, be proud of who I am, and very grateful for the AA community for giving me their heart and compassion that those of us suffering from this disease need. I have a way of life now that most people search their entire lives for and never find. All it took for me was the bottom of a bottle, willingness and acceptance.

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