by Lesha Neace

Created on: October 25, 2008

Should your spouse share caring for your elderly parents?

Both of my parents are ill, and age is against them also, but the question is should your spouse share caring for your elderly parents, I would have to say, "NO." The reason is like this he works 6 days a week most of them time, and to add helping with my parents on top of this would just not be fair to him. I have 3 brothers, and that is our responsibility, not my husbands. My dad is 86, and has cancer, plus many other health issues. My mom is 76 years old, and she has several health problems, and to me this is not my spouse's duty.

I have seen both sides on this issue, not just mine, and I think that gives me more of an opportunity to write on this issue. I have a best friend that is like a sister to me, she has taken care of her dad that had cancer, and now he is deceased, and then she took care of her mom who has alizimers, and she took care of her for many years, until she had to put her in the nursing home. Now the shoe is on the other foot and her spouse's mom has cancer. She has taken care of her now for almost 5 years, but he husband has other siblings.

I have seen this woman work until she is almost drowned in her on sorrow, but yet her husband wants her to stay with his mom, and to care for her. I did not see him helping her when it was her parent's that was sick, but yet he expects it from her. That is why I say, "No it is not the duty of the spouse to care for your parent."

I will say, "There are a few men or women that will do their part, but it is a few." When you see a friend that is drowning with heart break, then you will understand. You may say I would do for my in-laws, just as I would my parents; usually this is not the case. I think it has to be fair on both sides of the fence, not just one sided.

I have heard the complaints of my friend for many years before she decided to do something about it. She would cry and say, "I can't do this anymore, or I can't take it anymore." I would tell her it takes you to put your foot down, and tell your husband, he has to make his brothers and sister come in and help. Well finally she did! I am so proud of her, and I can see such a difference in her. I actually see a glimpse of happiness back in her face.

Yes, I am being straight up honest; it is not an in-laws responsibility to take care of their spouse's parent or parents. I don't expect them to, or at least I don't expect mine to. I just don't think it is his place. Oh yes it is easy for a man to set back and watch his wife cook, clean the house, and care for his mother, oh yes like I said, "sit back and watch her do it, but what is his role? Oh yes sit back on his fat you know what, and watch television and eat what she has cooked. So yes I do have a problem with this role! I know that he would not do the same, if it was the other way around. Sure there are that very few that would take this role on, and they would do their share, but it is a very few.

When you see friends sit and cry night after night, day after day, saying "I can't do this." Then you can judge on this point. Like my mom would say, "be careful what you say, because it come to your door."

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