by M M Johns

Created on: October 25, 2008

A Cheerful Depressive?

Hello, my name is Maurice and I am suffering from depression.

That sounds like an introduction at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, doesn't it? However, if you look at the two, alcoholism and depression together, there are some similarities. It can be difficult to admit to suffering from either, there is often a social stigma attached to both and there is definitely a lack of understanding on the part of people we know as to how some of us can fall prone to such illnesses.

I am recovering from a bout of depression which almost cost me my life. It has been two years since the first instance of this illness and I am moving steadily down the road to recovery. At least this is what I'm told. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it! I can say that I have reached the lowest point it is possible for anyone to sink into and I am now clawing my way back, gradually achieving some semblance of "normality". I can reinforce this belief to myself by comparing the place I am now in to the place I was in a year ago. It has been, and continues to be, a long and arduous process. A long dark, frightening tunnel with demons lurking in the darkness waiting for a moment of weakness, the smallest breach in the mind's defenses, to pounce and inveigle their way back in to drag me back into the raging inferno of hell. Now there is a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel, lighting the way, albeit dimly at times, pushing the demons screeching back into the shadows, but it is a light which I can work my way towards.

A cheerful depressive I hear you ask. How can there be such a thing? That statement is a contradiction in terms, in much the same way as combining the words Bush and intelligent in the same sentence. Well, I know that people who do not know me well, and have been unaware that I was suffering from depression, would describe me as cheerful, easy going, laid back, even. Only those who know me well can see that I was suffering from a depressive illness. Even then I tried to maintain a positive outlook when I met or talked to anyone. The public persona against the private hell hidden from all but a few.

In fact, that was how the concept of the title took root. I was out for a morning walk and had bumped into someone I knew. I maintained a cheerfulness I was not feeling, displaying an optimism and concealing the fact that I was ill. Afterwards, as I continued, I mocked myself, the image I tried to display to the world. The title came from that, a self deprecating

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