by Rachel Stockton

Created on: October 24, 2008   Last Updated: November 09, 2008

Talking to teens about sex is not one of the most, oh, "anticipated" moments of parenthood. Our kids like to think that we only had sex to conceive them, thank you very much. And, we really don't like to think about our children experimenting with something so volatile.

And, let's face it, teen sexuality is volatile. STDs abound, and kids tend to have the same "it can never happen to me" mindset about sex as they do everything else. They are impulsive, many times thinking only AFTER doing.

That's why it's important for parents to fill in the gap between impulsiveness and action. Though every situation is different, the following suggestions provide a general template on the subject.

REMAIN "CONVERSATIONAL"

Remaining conversational simply means to keep your anxiety under wraps, even if you have to dig your nails into your palms to do so. My friend Margaret said that she immediately shut down when her mother mentioned sex because "she was so nervous, there was no way in HELL I wanted to even go there with her." Try to "downplay" the subject without devaluing its importance.

KNOW WHEN TO STOP THE CONVERSATION

Now, more than ever, is the time to pay attention to your child's body language. If he crosses his arms, or she sighs dramatically, know that something's amiss, and that you're losing them. Don't scold them for this; just realize that you've probably gone further than they are willing to go with you. If that's the case, end the conversation fairly quickly, and realize they may need time to absorb what you've said.

LISTEN TO THEM

Make sure the conversation is two-way; let them do some of the talking. And listen to them fully, even if they are saying things that you really don't want to hear. What you want is for them to feel you are safe; that's really the whole point of talking to your kids about sex anyway, right? One of my more "difficult" moments in this regard was when my 14 year old daughter told me that her girlfriend had sex with her boyfriend the previous weekend. I was driving, and I nearly ran off of the road! But, she didn't know that, so she continued, telling me how much the whole thing bothered her. Had I over-reacted, she wouldn't have allowed me to help her diffuse some of the anxiety she was feeling.

Our kids are bombarded with so many mixed messages about sex that they are confused. And no matter what they may want you to think, they are NOT as "cool with it" as they seem. Think about how frustrating it is for you, the parent, to see how sex is presented

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