by Pamela Rodriguez

Created on: October 24, 2008   Last Updated: January 22, 2012

Supporting someone who is in the middle of the grief process is very much like a mine field, you should maneuver very carefully and let your instincts help to guide you.

This culture that we live in is definitely not a grief friendly one, rather then acknowledge the extreme loss that someone has suffered we prefer to sweep it under the rug and hope that time will do its job and heal.

I am here to tell you that nothing heals and time does not work magic. I am a widow you see. Time does not heal, it just changes things. I have felt the blackest, darkest, feelings that a person can feel, and I have survived it. I don't expect any pat on the back, or kudos, I simply did what needed to be done for me and my children. I was a young widow, just 43 when it happened.

The death of someone close to you is one of the most stressful events that a human can endure. It is like nothing you will ever experience, there will be nothing that you can compare it to, even one widow has a hard time relating to another widow, it is just so different. Sudden death is different then expected death, it is not worse or harder it is just different, but there are some general tendencies that all people have in common when they are grieving.

First of all, when we are greiving we tend to lose our sanity for a time. Forgive those of us in the middle of grief if we do not make sense, if we begin to sob for no apparent reason, if we shun invitations to parties and get-togethers, if we sleep all day and wander through the dark of our homes in the night. Our mind is having trouble comprehending that the life we once knew is gone and will never come back again.

Do not compare our loss to that which you might have suffered. I got so tired of hearing the phrase "I know just how you feel honey, my dog/cousin/great uncle/loving auntie died 25 years ago". Pardon me, it is not the same, nor is it the same that your husband left you and you felt like he died. And no, when you broke up with your boyfriend of 6 months it was not the same as my husband dying.

Do not say that you are going to find a new love someday, I don't want a new love I want the old one. Do not say that this must be Gods will, I really don't want to hear about God and his will right now.

Do not tell us, if we need anything just call. We won't call, we can't bare to pick up the phone and ask for anything right now, we just can't. It takes too much effort and right now we feel like a train has hit us, imagine all the aches

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