by Sean Harris

Created on: October 23, 2008

I stared at the paper for minutes, not fully prepared for what I was reading. It could have been hours. It certainly felt like it. When I read the words in front of me, it was as if time stopped and there was nothing in existence save for myself and those ugly words before me. Slowly, though, time began again. The clock ticked again. The fire crackled. And I crumpled the paper in my hand and flung it angrily across the room. It bounced harmlessly off of the wall and landed softly near the television. It wasn't the paper's fault. It wasn't responsible for the foul message it carried. But the rage engulfed me and I felt I had to lash out. Killing the messenger, I suppose.

It wasn't fair.

I'd been so careful. Led my life with my grand plan in mind and never deviating from it because to do so might jeopardize my final goal. Granted, I didn't really know what that was yet, but that didn't keep me from wanting to make sure I didn't do something stupid and screw it up.

I'd always been careful for the same reason. Wasn't that what everyone told you when you were growing up? You have to think about your future. Don't live for right now. Think about what things will be like in ten years. Do you really want to have to live with the repercussions of something you did now, then?

Well, I bought it. No, I wouldn't want to live with those repercussions. I'd do things the right way and everything would turn out okay for me. Better than okay. I'd win life's lottery and get everything I wanted. Sort of the grand prize for doing what I was told.

What a crock!

I'd done everything I was supposed to. I'd planned so carefully and cautiously for my future, but now my future was gone. Stolen in a heartbeat by some stupid test that said I was going to die. I was only thirty.

I was ready to go back and do it all again, to throw caution to the wind and perhaps get a second chance at the life I had never bothered to lead. I knew that wouldn't work though. It's amazing how quickly one can move from one emotion to the next when confronted by the inevitable. Of course we're all going to die. I just hadn't planned on doing it so soon.

I sighed and ran my shaking hand through my hair. Behind me, I heard the thump of the burning wood shifting inside the woodstove. I turned to look at it, the heat causing my skin to tighten across my face. I took a step toward it and held out my hand. It hovered only a few inches above the surface of the stove and I had to snatch it away quickly to avoid a burn. Briefly,

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