by John Graham

Created on: October 22, 2008

Should one have sex before marriage?

It is amazing how this question results in statements about god, faith and mythology. Yet the question is a purely secular. It is a social question so that writers who include god' in their responses are being evasive and are trying to pass the buck. They apparently don't have a clue about the answer.

The answer is Yes.'

In the United States a great number of marriages fail and divorces result. In other countries a great number of marriages fail and the couple stay entwined in misery for years thereafter. Why?

The problem is that marriage, grown out of religious teachings, whether they be Christian, Muslim, Jewish or number of other sects, is generally based on a number of false premises: that marriage the cohabitation of a man and a woman should be an eternal union; that sex is not important as long as children are produced; that the male is dominant in the union; and that marriage doesn't have to have a component of pleasure.

So why do marriages fail? It is simply because the poor couple have received this poor advice and they don't know each other. Churches, Synagogues, Temples and Mosques cannot supply this simple need.

Beyond physical attraction, many couples do not know how each prepares or even eats meals, or how they manage their affairs in the home, whether they are neat or tidy, clean or slovenly, or how they manage their funds, how they might treat their children or how they behave in the bedroom. Of all these things, the last is most important because many of the other differences can be forgiven if the pair feels fundamental pleasure in each other.

I don't recommend vast sexual explorations with the idea of finding a mate. Not even animals behave in that way. However, I do recommend that couples, which find a strong mutual attraction that might lead to marriage, explore each other a little more.

Going on a camping trip is a great idea. Living close together with all sorts of confrontations and challenges is a great way to find out what the other is like. How do they cook? How do they clean up? Do they impose on the other? Can they improvise? And, of course, can they make love in minimal surroundings?

There is lot to learn of a person, so a location and an opportunity that bares the bones and resources is a great way to begin to know the other. And sex is part of that experience.

Of course, one should have sex before marriage but, that had better be informed sex, in this day and age. That information is not that of the school and it is certainly not to be left to hearsay. The responsibility is that of the parent. It is something that the parent should be prepared for. It is their issue.

Learn more about this author, John Graham.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.