Whether it is easier to leave a violent relationship or stay in the violence is a very complex issue that will never be as easily resloved as the question may appear. It is an established fact that most of the domestic violence incidents in this country are directed toward women and this article will focus on that point of view. I will not discuss children here for that makes any violent relationship much more complicated and would require much more discussion.
In researching, studying and attempting to promote pubic awareness of domestic violence, I find that there are basically two areas of focus necessary to bring domestic violence under control. The first area of focus must be education and the second is involvement.
We must learn to answer the question - "Why does she stay?"
A very good reason for a woman to stay is that she fears for her life and possibly the lives of her children. More than likely the violent and abusive partner has threatend to kill her or himself at least once. Her chances of being killed are far greater if she leaves than if she stays.
A woman stays in domestic violence because she feels that the violence is her fault. She has been told over and over again that if she wouldn't do certain things to set him off, he wouldn't be violent toward her. She has heard that so many times, she has begun to believe it and is doing her best to correct those "bad" things, so he will treat her better.
Some women stay in a violent relationship because they have no where else to go and they have no money. Most likely the violent partner controls all of the money, will not allow his partner to hold a job, and will only allow her to have a certain amount of money for necessary items, like groceries.
Some women stay in a violent relationship because their religious beliefs dictate to them that a marriage is sacred and divorce under any circumstances is wrong. When they have spoken to their pastor or another member of their church, they most likely have been told to try harder in being a good wife.
Finally, a woman may stay in a violent relationship because she actually loves the abuser. In the "Cycle of Violence" there is sometimes a calm period, where the abusive partner will be nice and present himself as the person she actually fell in love with in the first place. At this point, the woman may feel that he has changed and just possibly the violence is over, but she is soon to realize that it really isn't. This cycle of violence, then calm continues over and over and each time the victim feels that things will get better.
A woman who stays in the violence is constantly riding a roller coaster of emotions and at times this emotional and psychological abuse is more devastating than the beatings. It is common for a woman to reach a point where she feels that this is the life she deserves, it's her fault and no one seems to care, so why shoud she?
Would staying in a relationship of domestic violence be easy, I certainly wouldn't think so. Most often she is treated like a servant, has few or no friends, is not allowed to go places she would like to go, and faces each new day with fear just like the one before.
We must understand what it takes for a woman to leave a violent relationship.
Obviously, for a woman to make the final decision to leave her partner would require that she disallow all her previous reasons for staying, right? She must overcome the fear of being murdered, she must understand that the violence isn't her fault, she must understand that some people do care about her, and she must allow her desire to live a life free from violence to be greater than her love for her partner.
Most women don't understand that a "safety plan" for leaving will make the leaving somewhat easier. They must have some where to go and a definite time to leave. Many women just get in a vehicle with only their purse and maybe a few items of clothing and just take off. It doesn't take very long for them to realize that they didn't bring their medicines, their drivers' license, their social security card and so, they must go back. Normally when they go back, they stay.
My own personal experiences have taught me that even though a woman decides to leave a violent relationship doesn't necessarily mean that she won't return to it.
It is only through the support and involvement of every citizen, every community, every church, and every business that these abused women will finally understand and appreciate our concern for their safety and happiness and make their decision to leave the easier decision. Whether a woman leaves or stays in a violent relationship, neither decision is an easy one, but with our help we could help them make the right choice.