by Bar de Ness

Created on: October 20, 2008

As Mrs Leibermauch hit the elevator button for her sixth floor suite in the Park Avenue Grand Hotel, her thoughts were interrupted by the forgotten zucchini she'd promised for her daughter in Rochester. This sudden realisation was brought to her attention by an odd looking young bell-hop who, strangely resembling the vegetable, had offered assistance with her luggage.

It was clearly the dark green uniform around the short rotund frame which did it. 'Zucchini!' she blurted out to the startled boy, who instantly performed a double take. 'Sorry lady?' he replied, eyes agog. Mrs Leibermauch wasn't into explanations. Urgent matters needed desperate measures. 'Arnold' she said adoringly, having quickly spied his moniker and gently stroking his lapel, whilst simultaneously adopting her most flirtatious persona. 'Please be a darling and get me two pounds of zucchini. Here's twenty and keep the change.'

Arnold, agog by the fluttering eyelashes and smarting from a pinched cheek, reacted as any normal teenager would do in fear of a smothering matronly aunt and hopped it sharply, leaving his arm behind to collect the cash. Mrs Leibermauch was always amazed by her powers of persuasion. She entered the elevator and soared.

Back at the Front Desk, its Manager Mr Gonzales was his usual picture of sartorial elegance. Immaculately turned out in his mourning suit with a button-holed pink carnation, he was grovelling with his finest sycophancy over a new arrival. 'Yes indeed madam, the room is one of our finest and should you desire anything, anything at all' he said with expertly feigned sincerity, 'we are totally at your service,' whence he promptly slapped the counter bell with all the finesse of an orchestral conductor. 'Arnold! Take the Mademoiselles luggage to 615 this instant!'

The flustered youth was about to explain that an errand was imminent, but thought better of it. Mr Gonzales was intolerant to procrastination. As Arnold stooped to collect the young lady's bags he realised they belonged to a pair of pins which caused his own to teeter. Cautiously he followed them from ankles to knees, slowly upwards to thighs and just as his tongue was about to crash to the floor, a voice, which he later realised was his own and an octave higher than normal, suddenly emerged uttering 'follow me miss' as he led the way to the elevator whose previous occupant was just emerging some floors above.

Meanwhile outside on the busy street, Ed Zucker, resplendent in crimson livery and royal blue regimental cap, opened the door of the yellow cab as it pulled up outside the hotel and greeted it with his usual humble gesture. He was proud that regardless of the occupant, he could never make a servile stoop so low as long as it resulted in a greenback.

'Those mugs deserve to be ripped off' he would proudly declare at his regular poker night where the purple haze of cigar smoke and the oak aroma of bourbon hung over the cards like an enchanted mist. 'They don't give a crap about me, so who cares if I screw them out of a few bucks more?' He paused as another shot hit the gullet 'Hell, I'm only trying to earn a crust! Screw the jerks, and screw this lousy hand. I'm out!'

'Welcome to the Grand, Sir....such a pleasure to see you again'.

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