by Dylan Kennedy

Created on: October 19, 2008

Once upon a time in a city called New Pork there was a man called Sloppy Lenoir Joe but everyone called him Joe. One fine day Joe went into a 7-11 and bought a chili-dog and a can of coke. From that point on his life was changed forever. He had just realized his destiny was to eat 1,000,000 chili-dogs. This achievement at first seemed impossible, but after eating that first chili-dog he thought maybe if I try hard enough I will eat 1,000,000 chili-dogs.

At first, to fill his craving all he a had to do was work a few hours overtime, but soon working 15 hours a day at the Oakley's Sun glasses factories could not keep up with his desire to consume chili-dogs He had to mortgage his house, sell his taxidermy rainbow trout and steal stuff from his neighbors.

Joe used to be part of the community band but he had to sell his trombone because he did not have time to practice because of all the chili-dogs he was eating. Before the fateful day at 7-11 Joe had a large amount of money and enjoyed the finer things in life like I-pods and antique cans of green spray paint. Joe no longer has any of these things he is now a street person selling hand made maps of Saskatchewan so that he can buy more chili-dogs.

Joe was going to move in with his parents but they are vegans so they would probably not buy him any chilidogs. So he started mugging people. He was wanted for murder, assault, and theft. He threatened one 7-11 that he would steal all their cans of green spay paint if they did not give him free chilidogs for a year. The 7-11 said no and Joe broke into the 7-11 but was caught by the police. He spent 25 years in jail.

When he got out he was a changed man. Well not really, he hired a hit man to kill his parents so he could get their money and stuff to pay the hit man and buy more chili-dogs. Joe sold their house and all their stuff. He bought a small house and got a job at a 7-11 and occasionally (every 5 minutes) stole a chili-dog. He was fired because there where over 700 chili-dogs missing. He still ate a lot of chili-dogs because his parents were filthy stinking rich and he got all the money because before he killed his parents he had his siblings killed.

After he ate 1,000,000 chilidogs he held a massive party with the few relatives he hadn't killed to get more money to buy more chilidogs. At the party he ate 500 more chilidogs this put him in dept so he killed the rest of his family with a rifle. One aunt who only willed him one small dog escaped and phoned 911. The police showed up and he was put in jail for 40 years.

In jail a psychologist thought that his insanity came from his desire to eat chili-dogs so for his 40 years in jail they hired the top 7-11 cooks to prepare him top-notch 7-11 chili dogs every day of the year for every meal. In those 40 years Joe gained 500 pounds and lost all self-respect. One day Joe considered committing suicide but his love of chili-dogs kept him going. Joe almost died of a heat attack and had to get liposuction. After those 40 long years of jail he got out and swore never to eat chili-dogs again.

Learn more about this author, Dylan Kennedy.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.