If you are a smoker and love them and if you are thinking of quitting I hope that my experience will help you.
The Background, my DAD smoked until he was told that he was going to die from the effects - he was 39 years old and he gave them up. He held a packet of cigarettes in the drawer of the sideboard for the next 13 years untill he died, but he never touched a cigarette again. He died far too young, he was only 52 years old. Did I learn anything - no - I did not - because when he died I was 19 and already smoking for almost 3 years. I loved cigarettes and continued to love them for the next 40 years. I mean I loved everyone of the cigarettes I smoked, everyone of them. I enjoyed smoking.
Then July 2007 - my husband was told that he would have to have bypass surgery - he needed six bypasses and we were scared. I decided that I would have to stop smoking to help him stay off cigarettes. I had two weeks to prepare and stop smoking. I smoked my last cigarette on the 6th of August 2007. It was a Bank Holiday and I stubbed the cigarette out at four minutes past six in the afternoon. Within an hour I was crying - the berevement has begun.
I did not expect the reaction that I had. I was terrified. I quit without any aid. I want to tell everyone that there is a physical, a mental and an emotional reaction/process that takes place within you and you can't control it. It is the most unbelieveable battle - I think that it is the hardest thing anyone could face. Now, almost 14 months later, I still want a cigarette every day (several times a day) but it is a little better than at the beginning of the struggle. You better believe me when I say I would sneek a cigarette if I could, but I have the most awful fear that it could lead to having to start the battle all over again and I know I would not be able to face that. I just could not go through the terror of the past 12 months ever again. I just would not be able to find the courage even for the most presious reason.
Even as I write this I feel a little ill and I am crying again. The sense of bereavement is unbelieveable and that feeling makes me feel like a fraud. But it is a genuine feeling. It is a genuine loss. I can find nothing to replace it and sometimes I feel very, very weak, because I can't control my feelings, my cravings, or my sense of loss. It is the lack of control that is most terrifing - as an adult in your 5th decade you think that you have establised some controls or normalities in you life, only to find out that you have lost all control over your feelings/wellness. It is akin to depression. It makes you feel very tired - the fight is really tough. Sometimes, if feels like there will never be a good day again. A day when the loss is gone!
I hope that I keep progressing - I know that I will never smoke another cigarette again because I could never do another year like the the last one. Never, never, I just could not face the pain, fustration and instability again. The pain is indescribable.
There is just recently a small glimmer of hope (not for Me) but for the next generation. Thank God none of our children ever smoked. THANKS, THANKS Be to God. I can appreciate that they are safer because they never smoked but what damage did we do? Guilt on top of fighting the addiction is very hard to handle and believe it or not it is only in the last few months that this has impinged on my senses - another hurdle just when the struggle seems to be easing.
I am glad that I have got this far - but I am really afraid of the future because I know that some people who stopped smoking went back on cigarettes many, many years later. I am really afraid that it could happen to me. I would mind going back on cigarettes - in fact, to be honest, I would love to, but, I would be terrified of going through all that pain again. I am unhappy.
I am telling you my story so that you never start smoking. I am also telling my story because if you are hoping to quit smoking someone should tell you that there is some really rough day, months and maybe years ahead. But maybe like me, even with all the regrets, all the pain and all the longing that still remains - you will still have a reason that is very strong to quit. I wish you all the luck in the world.
I think there should be a quitters prayer - I would suggest
I need strength, loving care and support,
I need long term help and encouragement
In return I will help others in any way I can.
For me, I just want to get through the rest of my life, feeling happy. That would be very, very, very GOOD. ( and I need good now).