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As modern devices created for conveniece go, alarm clocks are pretty darn evil. They're right up there with smoke alarms for The Invention Most Likely To Die a Violent Death By Smashing, which makes a certain amount of sense. After all, how many of us are truly morning people? Judging by sheer prolification of Starbucks coffeehouses, I'd wager the amount of honest-to-goodness morning people would fit roomily into an espresso cup. For the rest of us, waking up is just like breaking up-really hard to do. And let's face it, the alarm clock doesn't help make it

First of all, alarm clocks are generally only used when you absolutely, positively have to get up. I mean, think about it; have you ever had to use an alarm clock on a day off, when you don't have to be anywhere by a particular time? Unless you're really intent on monitoring your sleeping patterns, most likely not. If your alarm clock is engaged, it's because you need to be awake for a reason, such as a job, school, an appointment, or because you're trying to catch whoever it is that's stealing your morning paper from your front steps. With the exception of the last instance, very rarely does getting up mean anything you're going to enjoy. Particularly if any of the above also entails dealing with other people, whether it's fighting for bathroom time with a spouse or a roommate, or trying to get your kids ready for the bus/daycare. And when you consider how many people complain about what their morning at home was like, this tends to go badly more often than not.

Secondly, think about the sounds coming from that demonic little box. For the most part, alarm clocks are not the most soothing-sounding things ever invented. Unless you shelled out for one of those fancy-pants models that plays sounds like rushing water or birds chirping, your alarm clock most likely comes with the stock option of a shrilly-pitched beep. Sometimes you can control the volume, but nothing is going to make the tones any more dulcent. They're aggressive little sounds, the audio equivalent of having a bucket of cold water dumped on your head. It's enough to make anyone want to take a baseball bat to it, just to make it stop.

Or maybe you have one of those clocks that can just cut to the radio instead of the aforementioned digitized Klaxon. Unless you have the station set to NPR, it's not going to be much better. Have you heard some of the morning talk shows on radio? No one is naturally that perky that early in the morning-not without a bit of chemical help, in my opinion. And let's be honest; when you just get out of bed in the morning, the last thing you really want to hear is a bunch of people chirpily twittering on about what a wonderful morning it is. Particularly if you're barely capable of keeping your eyes open, your hair is defying all laws of physics and you're pretty sure your morning breath could peel the paint from the walls. In your neighbor's house. Three houses away.

Is it any wonder, then, why we laugh so uproariously at television shows, comic strips and movies where a character creatively destroys their alarm clock? Because we've all been there, and we all know how truly annoying they are. Especially on those mornings where you're just not awake enough to find the switch that will make the God-awful noise stop, and you find yourself frantically mashing every button in sight, just trying to shut the blasted thing off. That's when you wish you had baseball bat handy, too.

Of course, then you'd have to buy a new one, and who wants to do that?

Learn more about this author, Rose Calder.
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