by G.D. Russell

Created on: October 17, 2008

While I believe that in any good, healthy spousal relationship, each should be a complete open book to the other, this particular question about revealing sexual abuse as a child presents unique dilemmas, and potential pitfalls. It walks a razor's edge.

If, for example, your spouse had no such abuse in their life, there is simply no way they are ever really going to understand. They can be sympathetic, and supportive, and nurturing, and they can seek to learn as much as they can about what different people's experiences have done to them. But it remains objective. They will never know the black hole it can leave in you, never know the feeling that it doesn't matter what you do, you will fail, because you are marred, you are less, you can never be as good or as whole as others around you. When and if these things manifest their effects during your life together, your spouse will not know what the cause is. Most of the time YOU won't even know what the cause is. Lacking that understanding can create problems, sometimes irreconcilable. So I remain at sixes & sevens regarding the wisdom of total revelation, and feel it must be considered on an individual basis. I can't imagine that it would be good for everyone.

My own experience was unique in one sense. While I always remembered the things that were done between children, I had completely blocked what adults had done to me. I didn't recall the abuse by adults until I was 50 years old. I'm not exactly sure what triggered the recall, but once it began, it came in a flood. I was floored. I felt like I had been blind-sided by a freight train. I was numb. I went someplace inside to try and understand it, work through it. This had profound effects on my marriage, just my reactions to my new knowledge, without ever having said a word to my spouse about it. And I felt I needed to get through it myself, and understand it, before saying anything to her. But the deterioration in relationship would not allow me the time, I had to try and communicate, to answer questions often unspoken, but loud and pressing.

But not having had the time to come to grips with it myself, I fear it came out sounding like some hollow excuse I was making up to cover something else, and I fear this is how my spouse took it. Nothing was ever the same between us, and we are no longer together, after 24 years that should have gone on forever.

It took me at least 5 years to come out of my shell of introspection, my efforts to understand and regain my

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