by Beth Hermes

Created on: October 17, 2008

Is your life perfect? Do you need a distraction that sneaks up on you when you least expect it, leaving you with a burning sensation that even a Yoplait with the highest concentration of active cultures can't touch? Maybe a stomach ulcer is for you!

Unlike shopping for a sweater or a car, or even a dog, finding the perfect illness for your disposition is not easy for a perfectionist. I mean, we're perfect after all. Everyday, run-of-the-mill illnesses just won't do. And, while you can catch a cold or flu from someone else, your stomach ulcer is your own self-induced illness that you can count on for years of pain and suffering.

Just like the monks who would flog themselves to keep from enjoying the simple pleasures of life, your stomach ulcer ensures that school exams, work deadlines your wedding! - will churn up enough nervous energy to make even chips and salsa seem like a walk on the wild side!

Ulcers don't just show up overnight. They are more like a garden that require the perfect amount of well, perfect
day after day, month after month. Liberal doses of "not good enough" mixed with just a pinch of "if only."

I was just five years old when I planted the seeds for my very own ulcer. My first report card was all "A's" and my aunt said, "Oh, look at Beth - all straight A's." The tone of her voice made five-year-old me defensive, and I ridiculously pointed out that there was one A that was the teeniest bit slanted - not quite straight.

I tried getting a B now and then - yes, TRIED. But, hey, I was "the Smart one." B's just weren't my style. They pinched like cheap shoes. Made blisters in my subconscious. So I didn't do that very often.

Heck, I didn't even get sick. While everyone else around me was hacking up a lung with the flu or getting their tonsils removed, I remained the picture of health. I maintained a cheery disposition through the chickenpox and didn't get the scars my classmate, Maureen had (she had to have plastic surgery, and that just wasn't done
in the '70s!)

In addition to my annoyingly straight-A's, I had perfect attendance to boot! My aunt (she of the "straight-A" comment) suggested that even my immune system was too smart. So it came to pass that, after years of pressure from myself and my family, my little ulcer picked me out and set up shop, smack in the middle of college applications.

My doctor suggested that I slow down, take a little bit of pressure off myself, and watch what I ate. And watch I did! Seems salads and Tab aren't the best items on the menu to control a stomach ulcer. So I added Tums to the mix, and that really helped.

Ready to start on your very own ulcer? Start thinking about the economy. That's bound to bring one on!

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