by Jim Brady

Created on: October 15, 2008

Dear Santa:

OHH! How ya doin?

My name's Tony and I live in Brooklyn. I know it's only July, but I figure I'll get a jump on the crowd, and shoot ya my list now.

Now, I know ya get a little hot under the collar if the kid who's writin' wasn't good the whole year. Forgetaboutit. I was beautiful.

Alright, if ya wanna get technical, a couple of snowballs mighta hit Gina Pamarucci in the head when she wasn't lookin' one day, and I think once the broccoli on my plate got lost in the garbage, but that's about it, I swear.

Now, about that list. These are all, like, must-haves I'm puttin' down here, just so you know. I mean, I don't wanna sound ungrateful or nothin', but last year I asked for a video game, and you came across with three pairs of socks, and a coupla shirts.

If that's the way it's gonna be, ohh, what do I need you for? My ugly Aunt Carmella does better than that, and she throws in two or three disgusting sloppy kisses for good measure.

Numero uno, I gotta have one of them motorized scooters that I see a lot of these mooks in my neighborhood flyin' around with. Especially that Mikey Santarella, that ....nice friend of mine.

OK, I also need a paintball gun. This here I'm gonna use to improve my artistic outlook over by my degenerate friend, Rico's house. Which, by the way, let's keep this under your hat because I want Rico to be very surprised about my new talent.

I think I need about 20 or 30 DVDs, too. I'm expectin' a very cold winter, and you wouldn't want your boy Tony out there in the cold, gettin' the South American Flu when I could be safe and warm at home watching car crashes and explosions.

Also, if it's not too much trouble, whaddya say to a video camera? Last year, my neighbor Mrs. Bastafagiola bent her tremendously fat butt over her little garden and somehow wound up with her face full of gardenias because some no-good mutt gave her a good shove when she wasn't looking and if I had a camera I coulda put the whole thing on You Tube if I wasn't runnin' so hard the hell outta there.

And that's it. The chimney'll be nice and clear, and I'm not particular about wrapping, don't knock yourself out, but if I could come down Christmas morning and score some of this stuff, next year instead of milk and cookies, I'm gonna have Ma make a beautiful plate of lasagna for The Big Guy. Capeesh?

Sincerely Yours, The Number One Good Kid,

Tony

P.S. If yez got any kind of production problems up there at the Pole, cash is good, too.

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