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son is mildly autistic, and I blame myself because of the weed use. Eventually, we both calmed down on the weed, stopping it completely for periods of time. But always it would re-enter my life. We were together for almost ten years and had two more children in that time.

After we had broken up, I ended up getting involved with a guy who was my age, but had sever issues with jealousy, possessiveness, and Crack Cocaine. Our biggest issue was the Cocaine. I stuck to my guns and never tried the stuff, and refused to have it in my life. He refused to give it up. After three years and a restraining order, I finally broke free of him only to find myself living with my dad and step mom once again.

Today, I am still living there, but soon I will be moving in with the current man in my life. For the first time, I have found a man who works, doesn't do drugs, and has a sense of stability I have never known. He has his issues, what person doesn't? But still, it is the first time I have felt that I am making a good choice in my life. Though he asked me to move in nearly a year ago, I have refrained from doing it because I didn't want to rush head first into another disaster.

So what have I learned about myself? I have learned that I am a good mother, as I am so devoted to my kids that my friends call me over-protective. However, my kids have more freedom than theirs do. I allow my kids to make their own choices, while mildly guiding them as best I can by talking to them about my choices I have made. I am very open and honest with my kids about everything, whether it be drugs, sex, peer pressure, or any of the things kids have to deal with. I have also learned that while it might take me a bit more time that I would like to completely get my life to where I want it to be, I am at least on the right track. No more will you find me smoking weed all day long, although to say it's completely out of my life would be a lie. I admit that on occassion when it's offered, I might indulge. But I don't buy any for my own personal use any more, and it's been quite a while since I have smoked any at all. I know I can live without it now. I have learned that no matter what has happened to me in my past, the only person who shapes my future is me. I take my time when considering my next move. I have also learned that I can only rely upon myself. My family cannot help me, even if they would or could. And I have learned that if I ever should falter and feel as if there is no hope, I can look into the eyes of my children and know that there always is hope. They give me my hope, and for them I would move mountains.

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