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A cornucopia of delights awaits the unsuspecting, unbelieving, uninitiated visitor to a Wal-Mart store. The sights, sounds and humanity will overwhelm the first time shopper. For the benefit of those who may have not ever had this sensual pleasure, I would like to offer a laundry list of things you can do while browsing the aisles.

Make sure your cart doesn't veer either right or left. This is rule number one. If the wheels squeak, or the carriage itself is bent, do not hesitate to return it to the friendly greeter for a replacement.

Avoid all people who are half-dressed, half-asleep or half-drunk. This is important especially if you haven't replaced your cart.

Do not make direct eye contact with anyone who looks remotely interested in things sold in the pharmcy department. There may be a contagion in the air.

Always assume that the grocery aisle items are fresh and have not been sitting in an Arkansas wearhouse for six months. Look for the freshness label on every item. If it has been inked out by a black magic marker, and replaced by a smiley face icon, consider another purchase.

Women enjoy testing various shades of lipstick and nailpolishes. If you choose to do this, please take the time to replace all tested items into their proper slot. "Raspberry-melon" does not belong in the "iced-mango" slot. Locating the correct roll-down will obviously take up some of your time.

Look through the close outs on CD's and movies. Notice who is buying what. Do not stare but leave that section immediately and head for the automotive section. Women find this area particularly boring so it affords extra time to try another nailpolish color.

Toys are another time taker upper. Count the number of Lego boxes, Hulk heroes, Barbie must-have's, Superman/Batman/Spiderman dolls, guns, holsters and missle deflectors. When you reach one thousand and six you might want to direct your cart in another direction.

At this time of the year, the seasonal Halloween aisle is fun to wander through. Hey, this mask is really cool ... wait a minute, it's a real life guy and he isn't wearing one. Be on your way quickly.

Finally, approach the check out counter gingerly as there are many, many things available for last minute purchase. You may not know that you needed a pocket Greek to English dictionary, but it's there just in case. Resist the impulse to buy. Too late.

There you have my list of all the things you can do in a Wal-Mart store. Going on a Saturday adds much more enjoyment to the above list than going during the week. Have fun, happy shopping and don't forget to tighten the cap on the nailpolish you tried.

Learn more about this author, Patricia Parker.
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