by Peggy Lindgren

Created on: October 12, 2008   Last Updated: September 25, 2009

People say many things simply because they do not know how to cope with the grief or shock a family member or friend is enduring. It is a difficult and emotional time for all involved and I hope these suggestions will help you feel prepared as you support your loved ones when they indeed need you the most.

Avoid saying things such as, "I know how you feel" as no two people experience grief and loss in the same manner. Feelings and emotions are different for each person. Try to avoid comparing your experience to theirs. This grief belongs to them and they need to accept that grief and to be able to express it without limitations.

Please don't say, "Time will heal". When one suffers a loss, the present and the future feel uncertain. It is difficult to face what tomorrow will bring so reminding them that time will heal their sorrow is not helpful to someone who has lost the concept of thinking in terms of time. For many people, sorrow is an ongoing process and they are the only one who can determine how long, or if ever they will recover from this loss.

Saying "they no longer have to suffer" does not help much either and this comment is simply a reminder that they did suffer. They are aware of this and do not need to be reminded of this fact. Absolutely never, say, "it is time to move on". This will be determined by the one suffering loss. No one should put pressure on them or assume anything of them.

Avoid expectations of the person grieving. We cannot expect them to grieve in a certain way, or for a certain length of time. Since grief is personal and private, allow them their own way and be there to pick up the pieces when they need you to be. Avoid offering too much advice. Each person has his or her way of coping and there is no right or wrong.

In the situation of a sudden death, simply support your friend. There are often no perfect words to use when you console another person. Be there, cry with them and laugh with them. The shock and sadness is so deep, your presence is the greatest support of all. Words and deeds will come natural so trust your instincts and let them guide you.

Supporting one during their grief needs to be continuous. The experience of loss is different for each of us. In the first few weeks, family and friends surround us. When the memorial service is over, the grief continues and the support and friendship is needed and necessary, even more.

Comforting a friend or family member who has experienced a loss is a wonderful act of kindness. Reach out to them during this time, provide a listening ear and offer a strong shoulder to support them as they attempt to handle their grief. This is a time when being there by their side will give them necessary reassurance and comfort.

There is no right or wrong for how one grieves the loss of a loved one. We cannot judge how long it should take or how they cope with their sadness. We can offer support and comfort for however long it may take, which will probably be forever. It is sometimes challenging to know the proper or best thing to say. An honest and sincere expression is, "I am truly sorry for your loss." These words are simple, heartfelt and truthful.

Learn more about this author, Peggy Lindgren.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.