by Lola McPetit

Created on: October 11, 2008

Is marriage really worth it?

Worth what pray tell? All the suffering? All the heartache? All the endless concessions, sacrifice and contortions necessary to make your life jive with someone else's? My answer is a resounding and emphatic NO! The only reason we need marriage is because we don't behave well collectively without rules foisted upon us. Marriage as a legal entity serves only two redeeming purposes in my view: It legitimizes children and provides a legal process and protections to force people to behave humanely towards one another when they decide to split. Otherwise, marriage is quite frankly, a worthless romanticized notion promoting the ridiculous idea that two can actually become one without someone losing out.

I know, I know, my cynicism is the screeching hallmark of a divorced woman. And that assessment of my personal situation would be correct. But this is not a reactive position I'm taking. It is well thought out. Allow me to elaborate by asking a few questions and perhaps piercing the thin white veil of marriage to reveal the scarlet truth.

If you are currently married, do you wake up each day with renewed love and admiration for your spouse's individuality? Are you able to support yourself on your own without the assistance of your spouse should you need to? Do you know how to operate the dishwasher, stove, washing machine and dryer? Can you mow your own lawn? Have you ever diapered your own baby? Do you take a turn paying the bills and managing the finances? If you answered "no" to any of these questions I postulate that you are in a marriage of convenience reaping the benefits of an arrangement that may be working out now but is at risk in the long run for boredom, affairs and eventual breakdown.

Not true, you may be saying. How can she draw that stunning conclusion from those few questions? Easy. Each one of those questions, with the exception of the first one, implies that a person has taken on a certain role in the relationship. And while that may have some initial appeal, it creates an imbalance of power or an unhealthy reliance which usually means one person is taking on the bulk of certain traits like being the breadwinner or the nurturer. The truth is in order to be healthy, we need to possess and express the full breadth and depth of skills and emotions individually. Otherwise we become parasites and hosts clinging together in a grotesque but sustainable symbiosis sometimes referred to as marriage.

I also venture to assert that if two people did not have the confines of marriage, the legal and psychological equivalent to handcuffs, that both partners would work harder to maintain their individuality and also treasure their coupledom to a greater extent. In other words, they would both be better off.

Marriage is a great excuse to have a party, get dressed up and maybe buy some new shoes. But in the end, it's a fairy tale and there's seldom a happily ever after.

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