It's not easy - being a single mother - no matter your age or your child(ren)'s. But, then who said being married or in a committed relationship with children was easy? I am a single mother of a four-year-old son. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was in a relatively new relationship (I use that term loosely) with a man that I knew little about. He was the first person I told of my newfound joy, and his reaction immediately set the mood for what would be an uphill battle on the road to parenthood, alone. Through my sharing with other mothers that were in a relationship, however, I discovered reasons that I could find the positive in this situation I found myself in. Many mothers were dealing with husbands or long-term boyfriends who were acting like children themselves. They were having to work double time to make their men feel more secure, growing less secure all the while. Suddenly, they felt unattractive and vulnerable and some even felt that their pregnancies were the end of romance as they knew it.
Being alone in a pregnancy was not all peaches-and-cream, but I only had to worry about myself and my child. I did what I was supposed to, in every way I could. I am a researcher, I read everything that is available to me, and pregnancy was no different. I read all about breastfeeding, birthing options, and parenting methods. What I soon realized, even others' stories in parenting magazine articles, is that I didn't have to discuss and disagree with anyone in these matters. I had no one to consult with before making any of these oh-so-important decisions when it came to having and raising my child. I did not have to stroke anyone's ego at the end of the day and make sure they knew that I still loved them just as much as I did before I was spending all of my waking hours with a new baby. I didn't have to think about what made anyone uncomfortable when I decided to breastfeed my child in the middle of the livingroom while watching Oprah, and I wasn't obsessing over the baby weight coming off and getting back into a sex life after 6 weeks for fear that my man would stray.
Even now, my son is a pre-schooler, and I hear about absent-minded daddies that forgot to pick up the child from daycare or that just doesn't get it when it comes to keeping the baby on a sleeping schedule. Daddy seems to be the fun one that stays up and plays with the little one, then leaves mommy to deal with a cranky toddler to dress before work the next morning. I am not glorifying being the only parent, nor am I saying that all daddies are child-like buffoons. What I am saying, is that when there are two roles to play in parenthood, most of the time the mother takes on the necesseties and the father gets the fun stuff. When the roles are combined, however, you get to be both. Admittedly, this can be confusing for a child if this is a new thing. If a child has spent years with the mother being the primary disciplinarian, and is now finding that the father is not in the house to cushion the blow, it can be a hard pill to swallow. Rebellion normally follows.
The key to single motherhood, whether it is newfound or old news, is repetition. This can take discipline on the mother's part as well. If your child is jumping on the couch today but you are too tired or preoccupied to call him out on it, it is confusing to him if you do so tomorrow. If your child does not see consistency from a parent, they will learn when and where to get away with what it is they want. Some mothers, for example, do not feel comfortable reprimanding their children in public. Many of the children of those mothers (believe it or not) are at their worst when they are in public. Ever heard a mother say "he never acts like this at home!" and all around her people are rolling their eyes or twisting their lips as if to say, "yea, right!" Well, I believe them. I was one of those mothers when my son went through his "terrible one", as I like to call it (terrible twos came a year early with him). When he was almost three, however, I started to notice that other children his age were generally starting to let go of the extreme tantrums but mine seemed to worsen.
After a few episodes of Supernanny and talking with other moms of older children, I realized that it wasn't so much my son that needed more discipline, it was myself. I was not enforcing rules at ALL TIMES, only when I was not busy or tired, and it wasn't working. When I would try to enforce them, he would not take me seriously. And why would he? He knew that about 7 times out of 10 I was just nblowing hot air, I had no intentions of making him sit in time out or taking away a priveledge. Let's face it, that takes more energy when a tantrum ensues. I had to learn how to recognize bad behavior every time, as well as good behavior. My son is only four, so time out generally works for him. I also started a reward chart, which mainly consists of getting stars for cleaning up or grooming habits, with manners stars as well. The stars can be used to accumulate and receive any type of reward, such as extra play time at the park or a movie night. I do not like to use food or toys as a reward, though as I think it could lead to bad habits in the future. I also do not believe in taking necessities away as punishment, such as outdoor exercise or eating a meal.
The bottom line is, I am his mother and father. It pains me to think about other children his age that have a male role model to look up to, or a second income to fall back on and do extra things with. But, on the whole, I think he is a happy child. He is relatively smart for his age and laughs all the time. We don't miss the money that much, although we have had close calls with making it. The things that are in his life do not matter as much as the love, and he will always have plenty of that to spare. He doesn't want for anything, either - he has a smart shopper and planner for a mommy. I just took him to Disney World for a week in September, and there are kids with parents and grandparents to spare who haven't had the same opportunity. Being able to budget is a must for single moms, and so is patience. There are some things we cannot change in our lives and many circumstances that can bring us to this place, so we have to learn to make the best of them.