by Betty Tesh

Created on: October 10, 2008   Last Updated: October 12, 2008

"She just sucks the joy out of me." My daughter frowned. "What can I do? I'm beginning to hate this job, and it's all because of her negativity."

I remembered a fellow teacher who had had the same effect on me. We had been team teaching, and no matter what idea I came up with, she immediately pointed out its flaws. "They won't enjoy that. We don't have the equipment to do that right. How can we grade them on that activity?" After almost every planning session, I was ready to turn over my desk and storm out of the room, shouting, "Well, you can just teach the class by yourself then!" How had I survived those two years? Looking back, I realized that I had depended on four simple ways to deal with my co-worker's negativity.

1. I stopped taking her comments personally. In the beginning, I had believed that her negativity was aimed at me-until I realized that a negative person reacts negatively to everything. They don't dislike you any more than they dislike anything else, especially themselves. Once I stopped being defensive, I was protected against the bitter bile she spewed out like lava from somewhere deep in her core. I could look at her more objectively when I removed my own ego from the situation. "It's not me, it's her" became my mantra. When she began to get to me, I would drum my fingers on the desk, one word for each finger: Five fingers, five words: "It's not me, it's her. It's not me, it's her."

2. I stopped trying to counter her negative statements with a positive statement. I discovered that replying to her negative statements only escalated the problem because a negative person has to have the last word. Instead of countering her remark that a certain technique wouldn't work, or a method wouldn't be successful, I learned to ask questions. "What would make this clearer?" "How would you handle the problem?" Often negative people have learned this trait in order to obtain recognition. They may not know how to offer an idea until they are asked. (It helps to understand that their negativity was probably developed in childhood, when they were not encouraged to use their creativity.)

3. I began complimenting her. Sometimes it was hard to find something to compliment, but she never seemed to notice that I was straining. Often she ignored my compliments, or countered them with a put-down of her own abilities, which led me to believe that she hadn't received many real compliments in the past. There's always the temptation to give a left-handed compliment ("At least you didn't put everyone to sleep."), but try to resist that approach. By the end of the second year, I was able not to strain so hard to come up with a real, honest compliment.

4. I left her poison at the workplace. Easier said than done, but an absolute necessity if you're going to survive with your own joy intact. At first, I couldn't wait to tell my husband what a miserable day I had had, but that only spread the misery around. Once I got into my car at the end of the day, I declared it a "Jane-free Zone." I literally went through the motions of laying my burden down outside the car. I put in a favorite tape (it was an eight-track back then), and sang all the way home. Whenever one of her bitter remarks or facial grimaces popped into my mind, I would shove it aside. Negativity recalled only makes it stronger.

I shared my four concepts with my daughter, who promised she would try them out. I don't know if they will work for her, but perhaps they will help her find something that works for her situation. In the end, negative people are like fingerprints-there are no two alike, and it is always up to the positive person to find a way to protect themselves from being harmed by their toxicity.

Learn more about this author, Betty Tesh.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.