Many young couples marry without realizing that a successful marriage takes work on the part of both spouses. A blissful, or even moderately happy, marriage does not just happen no matter how much the couple love each other on the day they say "I do". Both spouses have to be committed to each other and to making the marriage work for their lifetime. I think it would be of great value for a couple to receive pre-marital counseling on preventative measures to take to ensure a happy marriage and how to deal with a crisis in a marriage to prevent divorce. Let us take a look at both preventative and post crisis measures we can take.
There are several preventative measures a couple can take to build a stronger relationship that will withstand the test of time. The first step should occur prior to the marriage vows. Have a heart to heart talk with each other and outline what each one expects from the marriage. Really listen to each other. If one partner expects something the other cannot agree with, it is time to discuss a compromise or make a decision whether to proceed with the marriage vows or not. Do not promise the other something you know you will not follow through on. If the couple is of opposite religions or different races, know going into the marriage you may face difficulties caused by family or other outside influences. Discuss the potential problems and how you plan to handle those situations.
PREVENTION DURING MARRIAGE:
KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE: It becomes easy in this fast paced world to allow the special things we did for one another when we were dating to become a wonderful memory of the past. Work schedules, cooking meals, and raising children take a toll on our time. It only takes a few extra moments for a husband to stop at a convenience store on the way home and buy a single rose for his wife. It only takes a moment to stop and give your spouse a special kiss and hug or tell them how much you love them. It only takes a minute for a wife to tell her husband how much she appreciates him helping her with the housework. Take those moments or a minute and strive to never take your spouse for granted. Set aside time to have an evening out to enjoy each other's company the way you did while dating. A candlelit bath for two can be very romantic. A candlelight dinner in your own home can set the mood for a very romantic evening as well. Keep the romance alive and you keep the love alive.
VOW TO BE THE BEST SPOUSE YOU CAN BE: If you strive to be the best spouse your husband or wife could ask for, they will adore you for all you do and strive to also be the best spouse to you they can be.
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK: Try your best at all times to refrain from ever saying hateful, hurtful things to the other in anger. It does not matter if you did not really mean those words. Once they have escaped your lips they cannot be taken back and can leave a long lasting scar on your spouse and your marriage.
TRY TO RESOLVE DISAGREEMENTS BEFORE BEDTIME: Couples who go to bed angry end up going to work still angry at each other. The longer you let a problem fester, the bigger it becomes. Try to calmly discuss the problem and find a solution or compromise. Apologize if need be, but try to not go to bed angry.
NEVER DISCUSS YOUR MARITAL DISAGREEMENTS WITH RELATIVES, FRIENDS, OR CO-WORKERS: Discussing your marital disagreements or problems with others only leads to trouble. You may put your spouse in a bad light with your parents and parents will not forgive the spouse as quick as you will. Also, discussing problems with parents only causes the parents to worry. Friends and co-workers often give ill advice, especially to young, vulnerable married couples. Remember misery loves company and keep your marriage and home life private. You would be embarrassed to find your spouse was telling your private problems to others so why would you want to do that to them? Many a divorce has been instigated by so called friends or co-workers who urged one partner into doing things they later regret.
SHARE THE WORK: If both spouses work outside the home to earn income, both spouses need to share in the work required to maintain the house and yard. It is unfair for one spouse to have to work all day and come in to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and help the children with the homework while the other spouse sits in front of the television or relaxes in another way. Discuss the work which needs to be done on a daily and weekly basis. Decide who can best do each chore that needs to be done and divide those chores between the two of you. If you both like to cook, share by taking turns in the kitchen. It does not matter who does what, as long as one partner does not feel on overload and comes to resent the other partner.
SHARE THE FINANCES AND BILLS: A marriage in which both contribute financially, if possible, and the finances are kept in both names is much stronger than the one where finances are kept seperately. "This is my money and that is your money" does not work! Arguments will arise over who pays the bills, which bills they pay, and the spouses are not likely to look at each other as partners in anything. Bills also often become overdue because of this type managing and causes additional stress on the marriage. Placing the marital funds in joint accounts, paying the bills from a joint account, and each partner having a set amount of spending money helps to ensure bills are paid in a timely fashion and neither resents the other. Make an agreement not to make large dollar purchases over a set amount without first discussing it with the other spouse.
ADOPT AN "US AGAINST THE WORLD" ATTITUDE: Almost everyone has family and friends they can rely on at times. When it comes down to those darkest hours in our lives when all seems lost, however, it should be our spouse who is loyally there to support us, guide us, or help pick up the pieces. If both marriage partners develop an "it's us against the world" attitude, the marriage bond is strengthened against outside influences and the partners will be there for each other always.
SET JOINT GOALS: Setting joint goals, such as buying a home or vehicle, promotes marital teamwork and helps you have a greater success in attaining those goals.
VOW NEVER TO CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE: Infidelity is one of the two major causes of divorce. It does nothing but wreck havoc on a marriage. The person cheated on is hurt to the core of their being and the bond of trust between the partners is broken. Avoid putting yourself in a position for cheating to become a temptation. For instance, if a co-worker seems to be making suggestive comments, walk away or change the subject. Do not flirt with others in chat rooms on the internet. Many a divorce has arisen over one spouse becoming involved with someone on the internet.
WHEN CRISIS STRIKES A MARRIAGE:
No matter how hard a couple works at their marriage, a time of crisis within the marriage can occur which is caused by influences outside our control. Sometimes, too, one or both spouses can fail to remain commited in making the marriage work.
DEATH OF A CHILD: The death of a child is the worst crisis a couple could possibly face during a marriage and every parent's worst nightmare. Losing a child always either strengthens the marital bond or destroys the marriage but it never remains the same. Seek bereavement counseling to handle the roller coaster of emotions both of you will face! Do not try to work through the emotions of grief alone. There is no shame in seeking counseling and everyone who cares about you and knows of your loss will be glad you sought help to deal with your grief. Fall back on your "it's us against the world" attitude and do all you can to be there for each other as you work through the grief process. Do not play the blame game. Blaming a spouse for the death, regardless of the cause, will not bring the child back. If religious, seek comfort through your faith and attending church as well. The church members will be very supportive of you in your time of grief. The grieving process for a child lost to death is a long one but your marriage can survive it if you pull together as one.
FINANCIAL DISASTER: A layoff, company closing, unfair termination of employment, or sudden disability can leave a couple with a drastically reduced income almost overnight. Tempers may become short due to financial pressures of unpaid bills. If one spouse has lost their job and is still able to work, the other spouse needs to be as morally supportative as possible while the unemployed one looks for another job. Remember the unemployed spouse will be feeling emotions of failure as well as worrying about the household finances. Make allowances for short tempered remarks and do not return them. If need be, offer to take a second job to assist with bills while the other is unemployed. If the unemployment is due to sudden disability, not only will that spouse be feeling like a failure and worried about the finances, but will be on an emotional roller coaster due to having had their whole life as they have known it suddenly taken from them. The couple will face a lengthy battle while the disabled spouse fights for disability and the other spouse may very well have to take a second job. Be as understanding as you can possibly be as to how your spouse must be feeling. The one disabled needs to let their spouse know how much they appreciate all they are doing during such a trying time. They also need to look beyond themselves and see how the sudden changes are also affecting their spouse and try to do all for themselves they can.
MAJOR ILLNESS: One spouse may develop a major illness that will either temporarily or forever affect the marriage. Sudden onsets of mental disorders, a major vehicular or work accident, or a surgery, as well as other types of medical crisises can occur. Both spouses need to discuss the changes the illness or accident will cause and how they are going to work through the situation. The healthy partner needs to be patient and understanding with the sick, injured, or permanently disabled partner. If necessary, the healthy partner needs to seek counseling to deal with their own emotional distress over the changes caused in their life. Many insurance programs will pay for in home nursing care for awhile which helps while you adjust to the situation.
ONE SPOUSE CHEATS: There is simply no other way to handle infidelity in a marriage other than for the cheating spouse to apologize and the injured spouse to forgive. The spouse who cheated will have to realize that it will take quite some time usually before their mate will come to trust them again. It is best to put the incident behind you and not dredge it up repeatedly. Throwing up a spouse's infidelity to them or constantly making accusations out of your own insecurity will only cause the spouse to be more likely to repeat the offense. Marriage counseling can be helpful sometimes if the couple cannot work through the problem themselves. If there is no possible way the other spouse would find out you cheated, please do not confess your transgression to the spouse out of your own guilt even if it was to apologize. You are only hurting your spouse needlessly when you do that. Instead, vow to never do it again and see that you do not repeat the mistake.
IN-LAW DISPUTES: Sometimes one spouse finds theirself with the type of in-laws from a very bad place. We are all aware of the type, often portrayed in movies. For one reason or another, you cannot do anything to suit that type of in-law no matter how hard you might try. If you have found yourself in this situation, first realize that you married your spouse, not the in-laws. Try to talk to your spouse about how the offending in-law or in-laws make you feel or the problems they are causing. If your spouse is mature and as commited to the marriage as you are, they will be understanding and attempt to talk to their parents. If talking to the offending parent does not resolve the problem, your spouse might try threats to them of the couple moving away. Most in-laws will try to watch their behavior rather than have their child move away. It does not matter if your in-laws really like you or approve of everything you do, as long as they are civil to you. If the threat of moving still fails to resolve the problem, sometimes actually moving a good distance from the in-laws is the only healthy choice for the marriage.
Marriage is a union of two people and meant to be a partnership for a lifetime. Only love of, and dedication to, one another and to making the marriage successful will be the foundation of a long and happy marriage.