by Ceinna Childers

Created on: October 04, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Hindsight is rarely clearer than in the case of divorce. Throughout our adult lives we are advised not to make important decisions during times of emotional upheaval, yet there is little more emotionally tumultuous time than the demise of a marriage and few decisions more important than the termination of a sacred covenant between a husband and wife.

Many partners expect to be elated when they receive their final divorce decree, but the opposite is often true. In fact, quite often the newly divorced person is blindsided and confused by their sadness and grief upon receiving that long awaited ticket to freedom.

So many divorces are initiated impulsively or angrily or both. Whether a sudden revelation or a gradual decline there is usually a moment in time when a person realizes the marriage is over and at that point they begin working, often feverishly, toward divorce. Many divorces are initiated after a shocking discovery or heated argument ending in a stalemate with spouses in positions neither is willing to budge from. Occasionally there are those that are discussed and agreed upon between the partners, and a transition from marriage to friendship takes place, but they are few and far between.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the divorce, regrets are bound to follow. Unfortunately the regrets typically come after it's too late to stop the momentum and the intense anger and pain being experienced obscures the love once felt for the spouse. This is when automatic self-defenses call for the heart to be protected and we put up our "walls" to keep others out and ourselves from being hurt again. This auto-defense isolates our heart, keeping it from being touched, and prevents a marriage from being worked out once the separation and divorce are in motion. In self protect mode, you single mindedly
work toward exorcising the pain and the person who caused it from your life and making sure they never get in again.

When the divorce is finalized it marks the end. The end of a marriage of course, but also the end of the project that has consumed your life since your marriage crumbled. You may celebrate, but ultimately you breathe a sigh of relief because the legalities are behind you and you take a look around. What you see is remnants of a life you've escaped with and no idea what happens next. When a marriage ends there is single minded focus on getting out and making it official.
It's tunnel vision. It's short sighted. It's deceptive.

Now you're alone. Single. You

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