by Seraine

Created on: October 02, 2008

Most men have no clue where to start when it comes to buying a lady clothing.Where to start? Shirts?Blue jeans?Shoes?Sweaters?Lingerie? Sweat starts to form on their brow, their chest muscles tighten up, heart starts racing and their wallet feels significantly lighter just by waltzing into the women's department. After all, the more expensive the article of clothing is, the more she'll love it, right?

This is where the poor male species are mistaken. I don't care if it was $900 or $9. If it looks good, is comfortable, and flatters every curve on my body, he did well. Soft, cashmere sweaters and cutesy, frilly underwear always works. If it sparkles, buy it. But only if it comes from the jewelry department in our favorite little blue box. Otherwise, save it for the Christmas bows and boxes.

Numero Uno: Do NOT buy the smallest article of clothing found upon entering the store. For one, if she is not in the mood, you will get smacked. And...if it is too small, you will get smacked anyways. Because, clearly, you believe she needs to be a size smaller. When in doubt, buy stretchy, forgiving material. This is not to suggest that you buy the disgusting zebra pattern on the mannequin. Which brings me to my next point.....

STAY AWAY FROM UGLY PRINTS! This includes horrendously bright colored shirts and pants.No leopard.No zebra. No animal prints in general. They are evil, ugly pieces of clothing that should have never made it to the shelves. Stay far away from animal prints. They will bite you. Figuratively and literally. Don't waste your money.

Jewelry is always a good buy. You can't go wrong. Necklaces are ideal, because after she squeaks and squeals and makes every noise undesirable to the male eardrum, you can assist her by placing her new (and most likely favorite if you chose wisely) necklace around her neck. Pay attention to shopping visits where you rarely tag along. If she oohs and ahhs over the jewelry counter a little longer than usual, take note, store it in the back of your mind with football moves and Playboy fantasies and buy it next time you are due to buy a present. If you break up, don't bother to ask for it back. She probably pawned it or will make her next boyfriend/husband/lover jealous by wearing it, forcing them to buy a bigger and better piece of jewelry. So make it sparkle and shine, boys.

Shoes are OK. But make sure she is with you, do not attempt to buy her a pair of shoes on your own. Women are picky about clothes, but even more so about the skinny stilettos they squish their feet into. If we are going to wear high heels for five plus hours, they damn well better be cute.

When in doubt, buy a gift card. Women love to shop. Men not so much. Why spend hours agonizing over what size, color and style when you can easily go to the register and buy a $50 or $100 gift card to appease her? Victoria's Secret. Dillard's. Sears. Even Walmart is becoming stylishly cool. Get in,get a gift card, and get the hell out of the woman's domain. You are just taking up our parking spots in front of the building.

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