by K. Bella

Created on: October 02, 2008

No one ever told me that the faint pink that signified my baby's life would quickly become the flat-line of his heart in less than 10 weeks.

We prepare for marriage. We prepare for pregnancy. But do we ever prepare for the death of an unborn child? Where was that lesson in health class?

Of course I had heard of miscarriage and had been saddened by stories of pregnancy loss, but never did I think it would happen to me. Nope. Not this twenty-something, healthy woman ready to start a family. Not this soon-to-be-mama who did everything right, who took pre-natal vitamins, avoided soft-cheeses and cold cuts, and wrote copious notes along the margins of What to Expect When You're Expecting. I was pregnant, prepared and ready for baby.

Little did I know, God had a different plan.

It has only been three months since the worst day of my life. The words of the ultrasound technician will forever be engrained in my head, my heart, and my soul. Do you even feel pregnant?...

No one ever prepared me for this pain. This emptiness. This loss. Nothing will ever take the place of that little angel who grew inside of me for two precious months. No one will ever understand the sorrow that I feel. But there will be life again.

Sadness, regret, shame and anger immediately fell upon me in the days and weeks following that horrible day. They still haunt me, day and night. I am still hurt. I am still angry. But I am hopeful that life will come again.

The hills and valleys of emotion that follow such a tragedy never quite subside, but they do grow less severe. I am hopeful that our firstborn will come soon, that we have the family that we have hoped and dreamed of having. Our lives are forever changed. Our hearts are forever broken. But our will has not been shaken.

Our will to live, to love, to raise a child is stronger than ever. I don't know why my baby's life was so short lived and yes, his life was lived but that is a question I will save for my days in Heaven. Today, I am hopeful of the weeks ahead. Today, although angry, although hurt, I know that joy comes in the morning and I am grateful for the faith, hope and love that my God has promised me.

These months of trying to conceive following the loss of our baby are difficult. They are long, frustrating and anything but romantic, but my husband and I share a common goal... to have a happy, healthy family. I am not sure why they left this chapter out of the textbook, but getting pregnant is not as easy as modern-day sex education would lead you to believe.

Having a family is hard work, from conception, and life's challenges are often more than meets the eye.

No one ever told me that life was easy... and life after miscarriage is even harder. But life after miscarriage does exist. Life after miscarriage, although wrought with disappointment, sorrow and fear, offers hope for us all.... for me, for my baby, and for you.

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