by Karen Harris

Created on: October 02, 2008

A JOURNEY INTO THE ABYSS: LIVING AND LOVING IN AN ASPIE WORLD

My son Mason was born on a cold December day after a difficult delivery. He came into the world screaming and sick, he was immediately whisked to the NICU where he was connected to countless machines and stuffed with tubes. I can remember the instant he came into my life. The immediate and complete love. The immediate and complete fear. This small creature was now the most important thing in my life and I might lose him. The pain was numbing.

A year later on his first birthday, I cradled my child in my arms and nursed him through a horrible bout of the flu and I can remember thinking how lucky we were that he came through those first difficult days of his life and up until this point he had been healthy and perfect. It could be a lot worse.

When Mason was two his behaviors changed...he became overly sensitive to sensory stimuli, he would have complete meltdowns and outbursts at the slightest provocation. He could repeat a movie or television show verbatum after one viewing. He would sit for hours repeating the same gesture or action with a toy hundreds of times.

When Mason was five he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome...and our journey into the abyss began.

An abyss is infinite...never-ending...and unknown. This is our life with an Asperger's child.

My son breaks my heart every day...and every day he fills me with so much love and happiness I feel I may burst. He is so smart and funny. He can name every James Bond Movie made, tell you the years, the directors, the villains. He can tell you the year the first Godzilla movie was made and name every one as well. He could read when he was three years old. He can tell you an epic story with complex characters and plots, all right out of his head. But he can't tie his shoes, he can't write legibly. He can't hold a conversation with a classmate. He can't make friends.

I watch him with other children, he desperately wants to play, to engage...he tries and fails and it rips me to pieces. But you know what? He tries again the next day...and the next. Then one day there is a boy who is a little different like him...a loner...a dreamer, and they connect, and all is perfect in our little world.

There are the days when Mason is frustrated, he cannot understand his homework. He won't listen to my instruction. He screams and cries and lashes out. I am so tired and I just want him to stop screaming. Sometimes I am weak and I yell...but I try to count to ten and calm down. Then I help him calm down. We do some deep breathing. We take a break. Then we try again. Then finally...he understands it, and all is perfect in our little world.

Sometimes we are walking in a store or the mall and Mason is walking along, talking to himself, using his hands to act out imaginary battles that look to others like jerky uncontrolled movements. I see the stares and hear the whispers. They wonder what is wrong with that little boy. I look at him and I see my perfect little world.

Every day there are new challenges to meet and new triumphs. It is a roller coaster ride and I wouldn't change it. Not ever. I love my Aspie. He makes me a better person. I feel blessed that I was given the privilege to parent such an amazing child.

My world is perfect because he is in it.

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