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Political satire: My husband is a closet Republican

My husband has always been an even-tempered man. Nothing seemed to phase him excessively, whether it be the major devastation of a tsunami or the joy of holding a newborn baby. Sure, he has emotions but nothing struck him as being of much importance, and I always thought this was just his nature. That is until one day when we were having a casual lunch and the conversation unfortunately turned into a political spectacle.

At first, it was mild. I casually mentioned my belief that their is institutional racism, and he casually responded that such a thing does not exist and that every person is responsible for their own place in life. A casually interjected that it was easy for him to say being that he went to a prep school and all his friends were privileged and he casually interrupted to remind me that his parents worked very hard so that he would go to a prep school and that he had privileged friends who were now broke due to their lifestyle choices.

I haughtily replied this was easy for him to say because he is not the child of immigrants. He snapped back that I am the child of immigrants and they don't seem to have done so bad for themselves.

Me: And what about all those programs that have helped people become contributing members of society

He: They shouldn't rely on the government to lead them down the right path.

Me: But then why do we pay taxes?

He: Certainly not for the government to then pass that tax money onto others in "need".

Me: What if they are in need.

He: SCREW THEM THATS LIFE NO ONE DESERVES A HAND ME DOWN!

Me (in a panic): What about a woman's right to choose! What about the war on drugs! What about amnesty for children whose families came here illegal who have established their lives here! What about all the cuts in medicaire?

He (frantically): SHE CAN CHOOSE LIFE! DRUGS ARE ILLEGAL! THOSE FAMILIES NEED TO GO BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM! MEDICAIRE IS NOT A GUARANTEED RIGHT PEOPLE NEED TO MANAGE FOR THEMSELVES!

And then it dawned on me. "You're a. . . "

"Don't say it!"

"You are! That's why you watch those stupid Terminator movies every day!"

"Now you're just exaggerating, I don't watch them every day."

"You TRAITOR! You watched Little Bush with me every Thursday night at 10:30pm"

"But it's so darn funny, I couldn't help it! Little Bush is so darn cute and he loves little Laura because she's chubby just how I love you!"

"REPUBLICAN!"

Learn more about this author, H.G. Hess.
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