by Pierre Roustan

Created on: October 01, 2008   Last Updated: October 11, 2008

I can guess that it's typically the norm in troubled marriages: one spouse tackles the problem while the other one backs out. Moreover, getting into counseling alone is a major step. What makes it difficult are the preconceptions of marriage counseling-it's spouse versus spouse, it's confrontational, personal attacks, too intense, too emotional, it won't get anywhere. The list goes on into the horizon until you can't see it anymore. Until you can't see the truth.

The fact is there are several kinds of marriage counseling. Many people think there's only one kind-involving one one-sided issue between two partners. That's not the case. There's Christian marriage counseling, online marriage counseling, family counseling. That list also reaches the horizon and disappears. Only this list, you can still see the end. Hope does that to you; it gives you vision.

Sometimes it's not about one single-sided issue; sometimes the issue is God. Most of the time, that requires counseling from a Christian aspect. Really, there are no 'battlegrounds'. A marriage is laid out on equal terms, focusing on God. Online marriage counseling, of course, is especially diverse-it practically removes the fear and awkwardness off the table. In my opinion, not as effective. But it can be an effective tool, a step forward. Plus, that kind of counseling is also actually cost-effective for one spouse.

Marriage is, in fact, a central theme in life. Work, kids, faith are influenced by the marriage. Everything revolves around the marriage. So naturally family counseling is grounded in marriage; the central issue involves dynamics within the family, especially involving children. More importantly, when divorce seems dangerously close, family counseling is extremely important for children-the ones who lose the most in that 'battle' would be them. Even if parents don't want to work it out, to engage in family counseling would ultimately benefit children. Counseling, that's what it's for-to break the cycles. We, for sure, don't want our kids to make the same mistakes.

The crucial idea that it's not about solving a 'problem'. Most of the time, that's where that resentment resides. More often than not, the real 'problems' arise because couples wait too long. You already have deep-seated issues; a counselor's going to have to dig pretty deep to get down there. It would be extremely difficult. It's like leaving a stain on the carpet for years and then trying to get it off but not having much luck.

Counseling is NOT about solving 'problems'. It's about *preventing* them. There's urgency behind it. Breaking up a family's never a good thing. Even if one partner in the marriage thinks it would be best. A person needs to seek counseling not just for himself or herself or to try and save a marriage-but for the sake of the future.

To break the cycle. To fight for your integrity, to keep on living-that's counseling. Solving the 'problems' sits on the surface, but the inner motivation is to work on the future. People tend to forget that. And that's why there's usually a negative stigma on the concept of marriage counseling. They're about SOLUTIONS, not PROBLEMS.

I know for sure that when I've found my solutions, I can take one look at my son and say these words-

"I love your mommy. Never forget that. I never stopped trying. Okay? Sometimes life won't agree with what you want, but that doesn't mean you don't stop trying. Just remember that."

In the end, you're the best parent in the world if you can say those words to your children. They'll see your strength. And they'll carry that strength with them.

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