He started with little things, shaving his mustache off, dressing nicer than he should to visit friends, things that set my man-dar on alert but I ignored them. I turned a blind eye because I didn't want to face the truth. We had already separated once and we were supposed to be on a 6 month plan to recapture our marriage when he walked out-two weeks into the plan. He filed for a divorce a month later.
It wasn't until a month after the divorce was final that I found out for certain that he had been out there looking for my replacement while we were married and had already moved her in with him. I was devastated and I ceased to function. Tears blinded me every time I had to speak with him or see him. Truth be told, they sometimes still do, but I hide it better now. I spent many days lying in bed wondering if I had the strength to go on. Questioning what I did, what he did, what we could have done better, different, anything. Praying he would realise his mistake and come running back to me. He didn't. If you are at this stage, I have to tell you that you too are powerful enough to overcome this heartbreak.
Some days it took all I had to get out of bed and go to work, only to come home at night and collapse again. Just that simple act kept me going. Find one thing you have to do, taking care of children or a pet or a job, and just do it. Be focused on that and eventually the pain subsides enough so you can breathe and function again.
Did I know he was cheating? Yes, but I didn't want to. I can only say that if you feel something is wrong, it probably is. Your gut never lies. I might have been less of a basket case had I faced up to what I knew to be true. My fear of losing him a second time stopped me from seeing that he had already left and I was just a remnant of his past. I've stopped trying to figure out why he left me, nothing will make it easier, and I now concentrate on finding myself again. I took an honest inventory of my own faults (I already know his) so I can hopefully stop myself in my next relationship.
We both did and said things that tore little holes in our love;holes that eventually became tears and then gaping pits. I believe we could have worked things out had he stayed but each person must chose their own course. I have to work at not letting his betrayal damage my faith in others and block me from being open to the truly wonderful men that are out there. I have not lost my belief in love, I only plan to be a little more trusting in myself next time.