by Lorraine Nyc

Created on: October 01, 2008

This was a hard question to answer just because it started with "We". So, I can say "yes" speaking for myself and hoping that I am speaking for the majority of the parents out there or we are all in big trouble. I consider being aware of my child's needs to be my top priority. Since I have known him since before birth, if I am not aware of his emotional needs, how can I teach him to be?

From infancy, most mothers can tell you what their child needs by the sound of their cry. Every sound means something different and I always felt it was my obligation to define those. But, knowing your child's emotional needs is a proactive event. it does not just come to you and sometimes, neither will they. I ask a lot of questions. I watch his facial expressions. I know when something is bothering him. Sometimes I am even surprised by the extent of his openness with me. He often tells me things that I never thought my child would share with me. I know I would never have told my parents some of the things my son tells me. In fact, I'm pretty proud of the fact that he trusts me so much.

One reason that my son does trust me so much is because I share my flaws with him. I don't say things like "because I said so." and I explain things to him so he can understand what is going on. I let him make choices on his own when possible so that he can see the results of the choices he makes.

By allowing my son to know some of my flaws and letting him know I am aware of my own flaws, it makes me more human and approachable. When he tells me he is afraid of something, I relate to him some of my fears that I had as a child and sometimes the ones I have as an adult, depending on the situation. That makes him feel like he is not alone. I don't judge or condemn him. I try to remember how hard it was to be a kid.

We have to remember that sometimes kids have emotions that are bigger than they are. Often, they feel as if they are "wieird" and it's important that we let them know they aren't weird at all. Children can also carry an unbelievable amount of guilt.

The other night, my son and I were talking and he told me that he had secrets from me. I could tell that he wanted to share them with me because they were really weighing him down. I just listened while he explained why it would be too horrible for me to find out his secrets. Eventually, he asked me if I could leave the room while he wrote it on a sheet of paper. Of course, I complied. When I came back, I was glad that he was not in the room. I won't violate his privacy by telling what he wrote, but he was so upset by it that he hid behind a chair. His one sentence carried a world of explanation with it and it broke my heart that he felt so horrible about it. I had to compose myself because I know I had a little smile at his innocence. I went and explained to him that he really hadn't done anything wrong and he was totally normal. His relief in my acceptance of him brought tears to my eyes. But, not only does my son know now that he is normal, he also knows he can come to me with these things and that my love is unconditional.

This is probably the single most important fact to convey to our children. This will establish a line of trust that they can develop nowhere else. A parent's love is unconditional. That means that no matter what, your child should be able to come to you and tell you anything without fear of rejection. That's not always easy because they may do things we don't like. We can tell them we don't like what they did, but we must remind them that we love them and that the action does not encompass completely who they are.

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