by Ginger Voight

Created on: September 30, 2008   Last Updated: March 29, 2010

Older men and younger women. This is a scenario that plays out with such frequency no one really bats an eye at the phenomenon anymore - unlike those relationships with older women and younger men. Men are supposed to be the teacher, the protector, the head of the household.

In many relationships this dynamic can work out quite well... especially for the short term.

The potential danger comes when that woman no longer needs the teacher, the protector or someone to head over her.

Typically this type of "father/daughter" relationship begins to fracture when the older man - who has a much clearer picture of who he is - realizes that the woman is coming into her own and discovering who she is apart from the relationship. This is especially true of women who began these types of relationships at a very young age.

In our society, young women identify themselves by the men they love. As they grow and mature, they learn to identify themselves as individuals. This can spell disaster for the relationship where the man held a much more authoritive role. Like a daughter breaks apart from a father, the younger woman can break apart from the older man as her need for his guidance or influence lessens.

In some cases, not all, the need does not lessen at all and these relationships border on co-dependent or even controlling/abusive.

So while it may be easy to fall in love with an older man, staying in love with him is the challenge.

The true key to an age imbalanced relationship is what each individual needs to get out of the relationship. For the younger partner if it's a parental role, the relationship needs to evolve and change along with the growth of the "child" in the scenario. If the older partner is willing and able to accept their younger partner even as they change and grow apart from their influence, then these relationships can sustain equal respect.

If, however, the older partner needs their younger lover to "need" them, this is an unreasonable expectation. Everyone matures and changes as they age, and one must come to accept this as a given if they choose a partner who is significantly younger. These are people who haven't learned the lessons older people have already learned. Where one has learned how to run, the other is still learning to walk.

Individual identity is critical to the success of these types of relationships, as is realism.

What you need at twenty may not be what you need at thirty or forty.

Can they work? Most definitely. They can even be very successful, loving relationships.

But as with all relationships they come with their own unique set of challenges it takes more than just love to overcome. It takes honesty and respect - both with the partner and with self - that sets a sound foundation for the future of any relationship.

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