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Over the past year I have really learned a great deal when it comes to the dynamics of a dysfunctional family. Especially in dealing with my in-laws. I know that I am stubborn, stuck in my ways, I want to raise my family as I see fit... But isn't that every mother's normalcy? When it comes to my in-laws, I find myself second guessing who I am. not that I want to change the way I do things, but who I am in general.

I came from a broken home...growing up was not easy. I promised myself from a very young age that when I became a parent, i would never mimic the behavior of my parents. I would treat my children with respect and raise them with all of the love that was humanly possible, without spoiling them. I know that sounds unreal, but I have managed to do just that. I am a good mom, a good person and I have a good heart.

Except when it comes to my in-laws. For some reason, I cannot seem to find any heart at all for them. I try, and they fail that attempt and I resort to having nothing. The dysfunctional Dynamics have wreaked havoc throughout my entire life, I am working on picking up the pieces and putting the puzzle back together.

Here's how things have worked in the past.

My in-laws typically ignore me, often not acknowledging that I am in the room. They make comments about how I do things, just to get under my skin. They call and try to plan outings with my husband, on my birthday! They always plan on just dropping over and get angry with me when we have plans and cannot accommodate them. They rarely call to see if they can come over and yet complain how they never get to see the baby and I am keeping them away from their family. They blatantly tell me that if they watch the children they will not follow our ways in raising them, and then complain because they never get to watch the children.

Sound familiar? I know I am not the only person who goes through this on a daily basis.

No matter the occasion, the day or the time, if the in-laws were brought up, it caused a fight. A big fight, over and over again. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I had to really stop and wonder why? Why the fights and why the anger. And then I realized, I was expecting my husband to make it all better. After all, isn't that what a husband is supposed to do? Protect his family. And once we get married, isn't he my family more than theirs? I know you hear me and understand where I am coming from.

But that is the problem. I cannot expect my husband to choose sides. I cannot expect him to choose me over his mother, although I would like him to. I have to be diplomatic. I have to let him see things on his own, without my judgement. He will see where he needs to stand if I just back down and keep my opinion to myself.

So this is what has been happening now. I have let him off the hook. He can deal or not deal with his family as I see fit. I have two rules that I will stand by. I will not be disrespected to my face and I will not allow anything to come between how I choose to raise my children. I have let my husband know where I stand on this and that if anything happens that goes against my rules for myself, i will deal with it how I see appropriate. With the understanding that he cannot get angry for how I choose to handle situations if he is not willing to handle them himself.

So far, this has worked. He is more cautious now, he knows that the situation will no longer be dealt with behind closed doors. therefore he makes sure to give me ample notice int eh event we will be seeing his family so that I can prepare to remain calm. As well, we have not fought about them since.

It is nice to take that power back. It feels so good to know that no matter what happens, we will be ok.

Learn more about this author, Kimberly Lee.
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