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me see that there's a traffic accident ahead of me at 65 miles an hour on the highway that I must avoid and I see blood all over the road. None of it is really there. My latest psychotic episode I do not remember, which happens occasionally and is not the least bit convenient, landed me in jail for four months for attempted second degree murder. I faced up to 21 years in prison. Fortunately my case was dismissed. The fact that I had never been in trouble in my life and no one knew what really happened made the difference. I know now what happen when psychological medication and alcohol are mixed.

Over the years, lithium seems to be the constant in treating my illness. All other medications revolve around the lithium, despite the newer mood stabilizers. Sometimes I am on a couple of mood stabilizers at a time. However, mood stabilizers are famous for causing weight gain and I am quite stubborn about taking those. No, I am not more willing to be well than be overweight, as sick as that is. For me, anti-psychotics do help and actually take care of the psychosis completely when they are working. I personally can only take a small dose of anti-depressants for a short time because they frequently throw me into an uncontrollable mania that results in psychosis. Mania used to be fun and full of shopping and spontaneous vacations and silliness. I once bought five new cars in five months. Needless to say, my crdit is shot. I was stellar in my work and was always promoted quickly. I spent a glorious 14 years in the military and was discharged honorably. I served during Desert Storm. I am told that I have a brilliant business mind and I often help small businesses get back on their feet. Now mania is more often violent and psychotic. I am no longer able to work and make a living because I cannot work consistently, not to mention my frequent lack of people skills. I never have been able to work at one place continually. As soon as I got promoted a few times I'd get bored and move on. The military catered, unknowingly, to my illness when I joined the reserves and only worked part time. Now I am on disability and the best job I can work is helping to manage a club where Alcoholics Anonymous meets. At that club I can always have someone help me out when I cannot function well.

If bipolar disorder were only an excuse I could quickly dismiss it and get on with my life. As my life is, I accpet my plight and actually embrace my personality. My significant other frequently says that there is never a dull moment with me. I have two young adult daughters, one of which displays a milder case of bi-polar disorder than her mother, and I have four grandchildren. I have a close relationship with Jesus, which I do wish were closer, and He is always there for me no matter what. My life is fulfilling despite this terrible illness and I hope to somehow be there for others with the same affliction and to not continually harm those around me. I often get to work with other bi-polars and alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous. Working with others and taking my medications are the best things I can do to help myself and those around me.

Learn more about this author, Robin Shane.
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