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dangerous because the bi-polar patient often feels like they do not need the medication any longer and they stop taking it. Disaster hits me quite quickly when I get in this mindset. Stopping medication for this reason is actually a symptom of bi-polar disorder as is substance abuse.

My drinking, which got out of control when my medications were not right, brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous. The 12 steps and the spirituality I found have benefitted me far more than all of my counseling as long as I am consistent. My doctors, counselors and family have insisted on my attendance and participation in the program. When my medications are cooperating with my system correctly I am able to stay sober. I have no need to drink. When I get ill, staying sober is quite a struggle. Close contact with a very understanding sponsor and consistent attendance with meetings and fellowship helps me to stay sober despite my illness, but if I drift away I surely drink.

Each bi-polar person's illness is very individual. Personally, I do not often suffer deep depression because I am a rapid cycler. I get into depression for a few days at most before I am again manic and either conquering the world or on some new band-wagon. For days I am at my best creativity then in a snap I am cutting my arms and legs and then in the hospital. I should mention that this disease is not about feeling medicated but rather feeling only normal and never medicated. During the chaos of correcting failed medications I often feel numb and I have discovered with myself that I cut to just feel something. Just to feel anything at all. Other characteristica of my illness are that I can be explosive in public for seemingly no reason, I am unable to rationalize at times. Sometimes I cannot differentiate between the true and the false of simple matters, I am very intelligent (as many bi-polars are), my creativity soars and I am a social buttterfly when I am manic, I quit my meds when I think I am well, I laugh and play one second then snap at my loved ones over nothing the next second, the list goes on and on. When I am psychotic I lash out in public and have violent episodes. I have disabling panic attacks during which I get so confused that I cannot figure out how to get out of a store. Yes, Xanax helps with panic attacks as no other medication can because it reacts rapidly in the system, but if I do not catch a panic attack early enough I can't even think to take medication. I have psychotic episodes that make

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