by Bj Binning

Created on: September 30, 2008

A letter from a friend

Is falling in love really that easy? I feel like I am a thief in the night. I steal hearts while I sleep and pilfer glances at the corner of my eyes. I cannot allow anyone to see me or know that I might be fascinated by their physical appearance or their tender personality. They might decide to pursue me only to find out that I am not available to them. I do not have the freedom to enjoy one of the most precious gifts from Godlove. For I have not given myself the opportunity to fall in love and because I am afraid of what it might bring.

It is a price I must pay. More importantly, it is the life I chose. I have disallowed anyone from getting to know me. A relationship with anyone from the opposite sex could only be as friends because I refuse to let them in. This is my choice because in my mind, it will save me from the hurt and pain of life and love. I have control of everything in my world and sometimes I like it that way.

I engage in watching others around me love, fall out of love and then love again. I envy their vigor to love and then lose that love but turn right around and love again. I know that enthusiasm they feel; but only in my business. For years my motto was, "I can do anything I want to do." Today, I realized differently. I cannot fall in love, or I should probably say, "I will not allow myself to fall in love." It is too hard.

There are times when I watch television and I see couples enjoying each other's company and I yearn for their feeling. I cry myself to sleep sometimes wishing I had someone to hold me, to kiss me and just tell me that I am special to them. I want to be that person that matters the most to someone in the world. I want to see fireworks when we kiss, feel the tingle in my body when we hold hands, I want to feel my heart race when I think of the presence of that special person. But how can I ever have those feelings if I cannot even let my guard down?

I have everything I ever want in life, except..someone to share it with. Not to say I do not have family and friends, because I do. I have great friends and a loving family but it is hard for me to tell a person's motive for wanting to be around me. I am suspicious of everyone.I have been hurt and although the hurt happened many years ago, I can feel it as if it were an hour ago.

How do I let my guard down, how do I allow someone in to learn everything about me? Will they accept our differences or will they point out my flaws everyday? How does love feel?

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