by Heather Jones

Created on: September 30, 2008   Last Updated: December 31, 2009

Everyday I catch my self thinking about opening the door.Many times I even opened it. A few times I held enough courage to walk out, but just to walk back in. He is on the floor crying how much he loves me. Today is a new beginning. He will change. He promises to take the kids to the park.And he does. In fact, for that one perfect day he will be perfect. He will even whisper in my ear. We will ravish dinner together. Then his buddy will call and he will run out that door. I will be neglected once again. Once again forgotten I will be. He goes on and on about how things will change.He even mentions all our dreams we had together. Don't get me wrong,I know that he does indeed love me. I do know this. But at the same time, I know his love affair with crack will always come first. I spend many wasted hours hoping and dreaming of when things will be perfect. And I spend just as many hours crying knowing that will never come! It is painful loving an addict. Sometimes I wonder who has more of a problem. He who loves crack, or me who refuses to give up. I hope one day that I have enough courage to leave without coming back.

My life is chaotic. I wake up alone even though he lies next to me. I talk to him even though he never talks back.He is standing there not far from me.Sadly though in reality,he is miles away. I convince my self that he is going to change. That he will change,but I must give him time. He has to crawl before he walks. If that is not a joke,I do not know what is. I do know the real truth. The real truth is I am indeed a coward. I can yell and scream all I want that I am leaving,but as time has proved, I have not ever left him in seven years. Seven regretful years of knowing this man can never put me first,or for that matter our children. Seven years of my thinking I can fix him. Seven years filled with loneliness, tears, heartache.

Regretfully, I admit that I have lost myself in this folly. Living with a person who is not whole in fact tears you apart. Sometimes it is as if I am locked up in prison waiting for someone to set me free. I know this will not happen.I know that I must take that first step. I pray for that courage everyday,but not as often as I pray for God to return my true love to me. I hope that maybe just one day, I will walk out. I will regain my freedom. That I will find somebody who can love me as I have loved him. But today I know I am not going anywhere.

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