by Dr. Deborah Bauers

Created on: September 30, 2008   Last Updated: August 19, 2009

Do you recall what first attracted you to your spouse? Was it his sense of humor or her love of the outdoors? Maybe you admired your future wife because she was so independent and smart. Perhaps you knew you couldn't let him get away because he was a hard worker. Yet here you are, years later, asking this question: "Why did I ever marry this person?" The same characteristics that you once loved about your spouse now irritate and frustrate you.

I've been counseling couples for close to twenty-five years and I still find it amazing how frequently spouses object to the very attributes and behaviors that they once found endearing. On my marital intake I ask the following: "What five things drew you to your spouse?" The answer to this question too often adds up to the fact that what drew two people together may also be what drives them apart. Why? Because a relationship before marriage is in its infancy. A happily engaged couple believes that love will conquer all. When a marriage is fresh, sharing life with another person is still a novelty. The newlywed couple is often focused on the excitement of living together and having great sex. There is little that one won't do to please the other. Selfishness is almost nonexistent. Each spouse is wearing a pair of rose-colored glasses that filters out the reality principles of life that are yet to be discovered.

Soon, however, idealism fades when husband and wife begin to realize that marriage is work. As each spouse incorporates his or her strengths into the marriage and then applies them to the challenges of living together, what used to be "cute" and "endearing" can become "irritating" and "obnoxious." Characteristics that were once perceived as strengths now become threatening as each seeks to carve out his or her position of power in the marriage.

Take Jake for example: He was initially drawn to Samantha because she was independent and free-spirited. He watched his own mother get walked all over by his abusive dad. Jake liked what he saw in Samantha and he thought to himself, "Now there's a woman with backbone." Jake married the object of his admiration. A few months into the marriage Samantha began a new job that led to the long term career goals. Jake wasn't pleased because he wanted to start a family. Now Jake no longer saw Samantha's independent personality as a desirable trait. Instead, her spirited independence thwarted his personal desires. A year or two later Jake and Samantha had become two strangers,

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