by Judy Joyce

Created on: September 29, 2008

THE PREROGATIVES OF A GRANDPARENT: Allowing Toxic In-Laws to Grandparent

Well, here I am a grandparent. But, there was a time when I was the parent dealing with toxic in-laws who had become grandparents to my own children. I've seen the complexity of grandparent prerogatives from both ends. My grandchildren are all growing up living long distances from me. So, we stay in touch through cards, pictures, phone calls, and gifts as best we can. I am confident that they love me and I know how deeply I love them. I guess I am what you would call a vicarious grandparent.

As a parent myself, we lived in the area where my husband's parents lived. My own family was thousands of miles away until I had all four of my children. His parents are toxic. So toxic, in fact, that my sister-in-law who knew them most of her life, came to a point when she had her first child she did not want my mother-in-law to even touch her baby. Since my mother-in-law believed my sister-in-law to be the best thing since sliced bread, toxic mom-in-law never seemed to pick up on that.

My mother-in-law was not on the receiving end of any vitupritiveness. My sister-in-law and I treated her with respect and included her in any invitations that involved family. We did this more out of love and respect for our husbands. In some ways, we almost feared the consequences for our kids. We both allowed our children to be exposed to grandma whenever the opportunity arose. Afterall, life is not always pleasant and they would have to deal with people like their grandparents throughout life. At least where grandma was concerned, it was a safe environment. Their grandfather wore a hearing aide even as a young man. He was pleasant enough but live his life in the control of his wife. Grandma was a very smart women without a great deal of education.

When dealing with toxic in-laws, it is not what it may appear. By their very toxicity they repel people more than attract. We all knew if there were not siblings nearby for the grandparents, they would have no friends. They often turned down invitations to visit. When they came they criticized and complained about all that went on that was the least bit different or distinguishable from how they lived. It was frustrating and infuriating. However, my children were entitled, yes, entitled to have whatever grandparents their life had provided for them. My husband was always anxious to ensure good and loving relationships. Neither of us spoke out against his parents in the children's

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