by Christopher Kelly

Created on: September 29, 2008

I need to get back to the game. In the entire stadium, this is the only bathroom that is working. I don't want to be standing here in a line, this isn't the woman's bathroom for Christ's sake! We should be moving constantly, its not like we have to sit down to do our business, and we all know washing hands is out of style anyway. Oh crap, the guy in front of me is making audible scoffing noises. He is going to say something that he thinks is funny and clever and I am either going to have to fake deafness or betray myself with my weak fake laugh. Crap! Made eye contact, here it comes, his stupid one liner.

"I guess this will teach me to buy their ten-buck watered down beers."

Okay, fake laugh time.

"Ha..ha."

Crap. That was the worst one ever. Oh great, he is looking away now. Really what I need, an awkward silence while we wait in line for the men's room. There should be a code of silence. We do not speak while waiting in line. Its moving! If I make it all the way to that nacho-stain I will call it a small victory. Almost, almost, there! Man, I really need to go. Halftime isn't going to last forever. Hmm, nachos sound pretty good right now. Stupid line. I need something to distract me. Maybe I should have talked to Mr. Funny here, at least I wouldn't be thinking about my near-explosive bladder. They need to come up with easier ways for us guys to take a piss. Just like a moat that goes around the stadium that we can take a break from our nachos and take a wizz with a smile on our face. A big urine moat, brilliant. Looks like its moving again, thank god. Nearly to the door. Wow, it is crowded in their. Probably full of those guys with prostate problems, looking at their peckers begging them to pee. Takes ten minutes for one of those jerks to get out. And the shitters! Wait until home, if you ask me. If you know you are going to have to go lay off the chili-dogs. They should split the restrooms up, those for the fifteen minute stay and those for the under three. No one ever has time to think about effectiveness this way. We could solve the awkward silences and the painful bladders in one swift move! I think I will write to someone about this, some stadium official or something. Here it goes, going inside! Oh great, the developed mini-lines at each of the stalls. Hm, I will go for this one, only three guys here and each seems too young to have any bladder problems. From now on, I think I will just piss in a cup and leave it under the seat.

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