by Lorraine Nyc

Created on: September 28, 2008   Last Updated: November 05, 2010

I grew up in an abusive household. That alone gave me recipe for disaster. I didn't even know what a healthy relationship was, much less know how to have one myself. I went through years of therapy to overcome what I had been through, but that wasn't enough. I literally didn't know my own value as a human being.

People who grow up in an environment that is devoid of love are prime targets for abusers. Why? Because we are just happy that someone will accept us, even with all of our flaws. Anyone who has been in a domestic violence situation knows that the abusers can be ultra charming. That is the whole lure. Someone can be that nice to someone as unworthy as me? That's the hidden thoughts some of us have. So, by the time they begin to point out all our flaws, that seems ok because we knew they were there all along, just waiting to be found. In our minds, we think that at least they still love us and hey, we needed to change anyhow right? Changing what we wear, do or say doesn't seem like such a big deal.

Then, one day the cops are at your door and you find yourself making up some lie to protect the one who just split your face open. To someone who has never been in the situation, the answer seems simple. Leave, tell the truth, let them deal with the consequences. The problem is that by the time we are actually hit, our self esteems have been damaged enough that instead of wanting to see our abuser punished, we are wanting to figure out what we did wrong to bring this on.

The first time a man put his hands on me it was because I beat him and his friends at Monopoly. Yep, a board game. Of course, immediately following the abuse came the apologies and the first utterance of those much longed for words "I love you". Then he declared how he knew he was going to screw this up and it was because of his own fears that he put his hands on me. Sadly enough, that was probably true. If a man has a low enough self esteem to get upset about getting beat at a board game, yea I would say maybe he needs to work on that issue, but not by using your face as a punching bag. I remember feeling so bad for him, right after I was feeling confused about what happened. But in the end, I was the one who felt like I had done something wrong because I hurt his self esteem.

Most of us have stories like this that just scream out with red flags. But we stay. And we will stay until something extreme happens or someone points out the obvious in a way we can understand. For me, by the time I

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