by Joshua Murphy

Created on: September 28, 2008   Last Updated: November 29, 2009

Accidental Suicide

i am the paradox of an accidental suicide.
i do not deserve to be capitalized.
i have a seeping wound within my soul.
i left here with vitriol and a bullet hole.

From the outside they said i had it all,
But this pall within encased by sin led to my fall.
There was no note, but rather a novel left behind-
The clues to my fate were left in the open for a child to find.

im sorry to all i left in my wake of selfish seeking,
But if it makes you feel better i now lay here bleeding.
It all became too much over the layers of days-
A maze that never led to the end for which i prayed.

There were good times, lest we forget.
When my spirit aimed directly on target.
When i believed in something and even everything,
And we spent magical days seaching out that perfect ring.

It wasn't supposed to end this way,
But like a rotten apple my core decayed.
And when that good man in white tried vainly to polish me
He met only persistent resistance at my lack of sheen.

i wish i could have done more with the ample gifts laid at my feet,
But selfish defeat forbade the fulfillment of any prophecy.
i'm sure there was another way.
i know i had more than just today.

Yet tomorrow promises nothing but a sunrise;
And while beautiful i know it is only a guise.
Beneath the break of dawn lies darkness
And my fondness for light is jaded and tarnished.

When discovered by foreigner or coroner they will see;
i never really wanted this to come to pass or even be.
my mind was not right on that twisted night.
And now in passing i regret this white light.

It's the end of a journey I never asked to begin.
And the start of questions that will remain buried within.
There are no good answers in death as in life.
But could this film be rewound i promise to do right.

They ruled my death accidental as though i had no intention to die.
On the bed a bleeding head and a body no longer alive.
They said the overdose led to a confused mental state.
But clarity prevailed and my sated soul released its self hate.

i am the paradox of an accidental suicide.
i do not deserve to be capitalized.
i have a seeping wound within my soul.
i left here with vitriol and a bullet hole.

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