by Dr. Deborah Bauers

Created on: September 27, 2008

When commitment is one-sided, a marriage ends up either being a marriage in name only, or not a marriage all. This is because marriage is a relationship, a covenant that two people make with each other. Where no covenant exists there is always a back door leading to a potentially new and better relationship if the current one fails.

In one-sided marriages one spouse does a majority of the giving while the other takes. One spouse forgives while the other generally holds grudges. One spouse empowers while the other fights to gain control. These dynamics drain away patience and hopefulness as the committed spouse is exhausted by his commitment to keep on giving and disillusioned and hurt by the lack of response. While the husband or wife who remains committed tries to find solutions to fix the marriage, the other tries to find fulfillment outside of marriage.

When we stop to really consider what "commitment" means in a marriage we realize that it is the glue that holds the relationship together through the ups and downs of life. It's what keeps husbands and wives plowing through the good times and the bad with the tenacity to hold steady while working toward better times.

Commitment takes two people who are willing to partner together in becoming one. So when only of them is willing to commit, the other is denied the grace, empowerment, and intimacy that it takes to make a good marriage. Without grace there is no forgiveness. Without empowerment individual spouses cannot grow or maximize potential. Without intimacy there is neither closeness nor security.

Too often commitment is based on feelings rather than on choice. It becomes conditional upon whether or not one spouse feels loved or perceives that his or her needs are being met. We live in a post-modern culture where marriages are too often based on conditional commitment. This means, "I will stay in this marriage as long as I am getting what I need from it." In reality, this is not commitment at all; it's just a temporary contract between two people. How does the saying go? "Contracts were made to be broken."

When commitment is one-sided, one spouse ends up walking away from the marriage and leaving the other feeling rejected and cheated. Divorce usually follows bringing a sad sense of relief and a dubious but dim hope for a brighter future. In contrast, couples who stay married and remain committed to the health of their relationship can go on to experience the achievement of greater intimacy and better communication. Marriage might have been made in heaven, but one-sided marriages were not!

Learn more about this author, Dr. Deborah Bauers.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.