by A Howell

Created on: September 27, 2008   Last Updated: January 17, 2010

My life is based around being a second person, better yet a second choice. I was never the first to be noticed. If things didn't work they would look towards my way, as if nothing was before me. When, in fact I knew that there was. I don't think of myself as ugly but I'm not as pretty as the others.

My husband and I have been together for 9 years now. Just a couple of years ago after my husband had a few drinks in him; he decides to tell me this so called "funny story". We had mutual friends and they came to me to tell me that he was interested and wanted me to stop by after school. I made my way over there with a couple of my girlfriends. He came to the car but he went to the passenger side. When my girlfriend introduced us all he made his way to my side of the car. At the time it really didn't hit me until he told me that he didn't originally want to date me, he wanted to date my friend. I guess when he told me, he thought it was funnier than I did. Until this day he still looks at her in a way that he never looked at me. I know deep down he thinks about what it would have been like if he ended up with her.

Other than my husband, I have had many other occurrences with the opposite sex. I like to think of myself as the fall back girl. In just about every relationship I had they would end up back with their ex-girlfriend. It really didn't help that I would set myself up in that situation. Most men that I have dated I knew they weren't over there ex-girlfriend, but I thought if they got to know me they would want to be with me. I keep putting myself in this situation. It's hard to deal with the fact that someone you care about probably isn't even thinking about you.

It's hard to deal with something like this. At first I thought that there was something wrong with me. In fact, I kind of still think there is. Some women, if not most, aren't perfect they feel neglected and out of place. It's hard to put yourself somewhere that you know you are going to be put down. Even if it isn't verbal you can sense that they are interested in something other than you. In the beginning, I felt that I had found my Mr. Right. After confessing what his real intentions were everything has changed. Maybe there is someone else out there for me. Maybe he isn't the person I was supposed to end up with. As time moves on, I find myself looking and wondering if there is that person who can look at me and say she is the one for me.

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