by Tamela

Created on: September 26, 2008   Last Updated: September 27, 2008

We waited patiently in the hallway for the red down arrow to illuminate and the bell to ring. We were two good looking young office gals headed down to the lobby where a new chocolate shop had just opened. Ethel M Chocolates were smooth and creamy, and it had been decided that ten o'clock in the morning was not too early for a quick indulgence.

At last, the bell rang. Only fifteen floors to the anticipated chocolate fix. As if in slow motion the doors parted and our eyes met. He was handsome and sophisticated looking man. Dressed in an expensive suit and carrying a Louis Vuitton briefcase, his confident demeanor instantly turned to a look of surprise. He flinched slightly, dropped his gaze to for ground and nearly pushed us aside as he made a hasty exit.

I whispered to my co-worker that we must not have met his high standard. "Snob," she murmured as we rolled our eyes in unison. The sharp sting of rejection was swiftly replaced by an even sharper odor. It stung at our nostrils as it hung in the air like a rotten fog. For fifteen floors we tried not to inhale, but our gasps of laughter only increased the intensity.

As we arrived at our final destination it had been unanimously decided that the formerly sophisticated gentlemen would forever be known to us as Fart-Man. Our relief at our lobby arrival was dwarfed by our sincere gratitude that no one else joined us on that fateful ride, and that no unsuspecting victim awaited the elevator as we exited, lest we be accused of perpetrating the fowl act.

In the twenty-plus years that have followed, I can honestly say that while riding in elevators I have kept my bodily functions to myself. I have however, based on my own doing, accrued a small list of things not to do on an elevator.

1. Never use the mirrored ceiling to view how well others can see down your blouse. Likewise, never use it to see how your face looks while you're looking straight up. You may be happy to find that your cleavage is appropriately under wraps, and that tipping your head back causes all loose skin to fall back revealing a tautness long gone. To my dismay, I have learned that security cameras are often housed in the overhead mirrors.

2. Never use your solitary ride as a chance to slip off your shoes and scratch your feet on the carpet. It's just poor manners and you really don't know what lies in those fibers.

3. Never panic when your heel sticks in the grooves of the threshold. Instead of shrieking and flailing in terror that you may be disfigured as the car begins its eminent ascent, simply step out of shoe. Modern day elevators have sensors and "door open" buttons as several safety features to allow you the time to correct most seemingly perilous situations.

4. Never try to be comedian. While on a particularly long ride, our car reached maximum capacity. As the final rider boarded a voice from the back said, "Maybe we should all inhale." To which I responded, "I used to be a cheerleader, we could try a pyramid." For the remaining long journey, I endured nasty glares from two serious looking business women (I'm guessing debate team, not pep squad) and a creepy ogle from the foreign looking gentleman to my right.

In conclusion: Whenever possible, take the stairs, but use the handrails!

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