by Dan Creamer

Created on: January 13, 2007   Last Updated: November 21, 2010

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. - Jane Howard - "Families"

They come in all sizes, shapes and colours. Their members do too! Some are gifted with great intellect and some struggle to learn basic skills. Some have wonderfull talents and some can only wonder at such talent. They can be tall or short, thin or fat, beautiful or plain, needy or giving, loving or manipulative, confident or afraid, focused or distracted, and some are a challenge to love sometimes. Most of them are all of these things and more, at one time or another.

Families like the people in them change and evolve over time. People grow and have setbacks. Their self awareness and perception changes with experience and happenstance. Sometimes their ability to show love is impeded by their need for it. None of us are perfect and often when we are disappointed with someone else its because they are not meeting our needs.

Donnie told me once that when we set too high a standard for those we love, we really set them up to fail, and ourselves to be disappointed. I think high standards are a good thing. I also think proper perspective is vital to human relationships. If someone else in the family diappoints us what are the underlying issues. Did they fail to meet an impossibly high standard or meet a purely selfish need? Was our disappointment driven by our needs or their failure to put our needs first? Do they have a right to prioritize who's needs come first in their life?

If the disappointment is driven by our genuine disapproval of their ethical or moral behaviour; is it our right to judge and condem or should we love and forgive. When we allow negative feelings to impede our relationship with a loved one because we disagree with choices they make that don't really affect us; who gets hurt?

This is prompted by a conversation I had recently with someone who was upset with a parents behaviour and lifestyle choices. They had basically cut themselves off from the parent in question. Now one of the great truthes in life is that our children know who we are. All the bumps and warts, mistakes and failures, selfishness and dishonesty are reveled to them, as well as everything else good or bad. I have been on both sides of this coin and both can be perplexing and vexatious.

Somethings, are too hurtful maybe to be forgiven on this side of the vale but most are not. Typically, when we alienate ourselves from a loved one

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