Harmony within a family can sometimes seem like the ever-elusive dream. Large families with several children can often feel like they are living in a zoo! Just like any other type of relationship, family relationships must be nurtured and cultivated. Each person within the family has to be encouraged to be themselves, but in a way that is respectful to others. Each person must also realize that trust and respect are earned by action, and not words, Finally, families must communicate with one another frequently and effectively.
Every Person is an Individual
No one wants to be thought of as just a small part of a whole, and sometimes others tend to lump siblings together. Each child needs to be recognized as an individual with valuable thoughts, talents, and contributions. Further, parents should also cultivate their own identities. Mothers who identify themselves as chauffeurs or maids aren't generally very happy. Mom might also be a brilliant attorney, or a talented artist. Dad (or Mom) might whip the pants off of every poker player in town. No matter what the unique traits may be, each person should be encouraged to develop themselves individually and independently as well.
This is not to say that each person should run around the house at five a.m. practicing cheers or singing audition songs, despite parents and siblings attempting to rest nearby. Children and adults can find productive ways to pursue their interests without infringing upon other people selfishly and disrespectfully. With more than one child, there are bound to be disagreements and even blowups. However, siblings must be taught to handle differences fairly and calmly.
Every Person Must Earn Trust and Respect
Trust and respect are privileges that are earned. Sisters that borrow clothing without asking or who don't repay loans or favors equitably become upset when siblings stop trusting them. Parents that scream at children but expect children to control their tempers are likely to only lose respect further using this tactic. Each person, adults included must understand the importance of keeping promises, and handling conflict in a mature way. Children must understand the importance and function of rules.
People are more likely to obey rules if they understand them. Having a family meeting to discuss rules and boundaries, and consequences will allow all family members input and insight into how each person feels, what they think, and may even help resolve lingering issues. If children help write the rules, they can't feign ignorance. If they help determine the consequences for breaking them, they cannot claim they are unfair down the road when they apply to them.
Frequent and Effective Communication
The first part of effective communication is making sure everyone is clear on the boundaries the parents set with input from the family, as well as the consequences. Further, parents should be careful how they react to offenses, and not blow up if they expect kids to react the same way. For example, parents that react to offenses explosively will raise children that do the same. One child takes away your child's toy. The first child screams and kicks the offending child. How can anything else be expected?
Families that talk and communicate with one another will stay closer and be more likely to experience harmony. Parents need to know what their kids are doing, who their friends are, and the things that bother them. Parents need to know what issues their children might be facing to offer proper guidance. Effective communication tends to become more difficult with teenagers, so it is important to remember to reserve judgmental tones and lectures for the most important and egregious of offenses. Children are more likely to open up to if they feel they are not being judged or unfairly criticized. Parents must listen to their children if they want their children to listen to them. "Treat others the way you want to be treated" applies to young and old alike.
There are many other ways to build harmony within a family, but the three most important and fastest to produce results are understanding and respecting one another as individuals, understanding that trust and respect must be earned, and ensuring effective and frequent communication. Instituting these things anew in a family already ravaged by chaos might take time and patience, but the results will be worth it. Instituting these principles in a new family may well avoid many future heartaches.