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the help he needed. Andy and I never mentioned the "D" word, because it simply wasn't going to happen to us. But, Jacob's body did not respond to chemotherapy. In fact, his white blood cell count was higher and it was affecting his liver. Another spinal tap confirmed the leukemia had spread. The doctor convinced us we could stay on top of it with a more aggressive approach. After radiation and more chemotherapy failed to attack the disease, the doctor dared to mention hospice care and say the "D" word. I begged and pleaded for a bone marrow transplant and aggressive radiation, but Dr. Charles explained to me all of the reasons why Jacob was not a candidate. None of it sank in, though. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to do anything to save my child.

I sat there beside his bed and held his hand as I wept, memories of our happiest times and our lowest points swirling around in my mind. All of it was a dagger to my heart; the happy times just as bitter now as the bad.

I must of have fallen asleep slumped over Jacob's bed, because I was startled awake by the touch of a hand on my shoulder. I popped my head up and realized it was our hospice nurse, Kayla, standing beside me. She motioned for me to come with her. I glanced at Jacob, sleeping what was sure to be his last sleep, and I allowed Kayla to guide me into the hallway.

"Have you decided to keep him home and in his own bed," Kayla gently asked, "because the time has come to make that decision. Andy's waiting downstairs, but he wants to keep Jacob at home instead of transporting him to the PCU."

I slowly shook my head back and forth and mumbled, "He's staying here with us."

Kayla held my hand and her eyes met mine, "I've called the chaplain and he's getting in touch with your pastor. The volunteer will be here within the hour and the social worker will be coming with her."

I just stared at her, still shaking my head slowly. Back and forth, the answer is no. No, no, no, no.

"Bethany," Kayla whispered softly, "would you like me to call anyone for you?"

"Just my parents and Andy's mother," I choked, "Everyone else has already been by and I don't want a house full of people right now." No, no, no, I don't want any of this. Please, make it go away.

I felt the familiar sensation of Andy's hand on my waist. Instinctively, I turned to him and buried my face in his chest. I pressed myself up against him and I was overcome with the sensation of needing him. My son was sick, but there I was longing for the physical

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