by Sila Anton

Created on: September 22, 2008

Step one: forego the bath / shower, brushing your teeth and hair, and do not change out of your pajamas or bunny slippers. For breakfast ensure that the kids have eaten large quantities of sugary cereal washed down with chocolate milk.

Step two: pop in a Barney DVD. If you don't have a Barney DVD, put in a Teletubbies DVD. Turn the volume up and have that play on repeat and never turn it off.

Step three: call your telephone or cable company to change your mailing address during peak hours. Do not enter the direct dial or extension number of anyone and do not try to connect to the receptionist. Instead, use the prompts and sit on hold listening to the muzak until an associate is able to help you. If you get disconnected call back, repeat process and continue sitting on hold.

Step four: Once you get your information updated, switch on the TV and watch all the Paris Hilton interviews that you can find. If you cannot find any Paris Hilton interviews, watch all the complete seasons of The Simple Life'.

Step five: Still wearing your pajamas and bunny slippers, you and the kids get into your car. Immediately upon entering the car turn on a Barney or Little people CD. Have the CD play on repeat the entire time you are in the car. For good measure ensure that the kids have lots of sugary snacks and soda for the ride.

Step six: Go for a drive to Costco or Wal-mart in rush hour traffic. Drive in the slow lane preferably behind a big rig or a little old lady in a K car.

Step seven: Once you get to Costco or Wal-Mart circle the parking lot looking for a parking spot. Pick the spot with the grocery cart sitting in it and try to park your car while avoiding the cart. Make no note of what section you parked in.

Step eight: Once you get to Costco or Wal-Mart, find an associate. Once an associate has been located have them help you locate the sale items from page four of this week's flyer.

Step nine: Once you have gotten all the items that are on sale, get into a lane to check out. Pick the lane with the longest line up and the cashier that looks at all her customers with distain.

Step ten: Go into parking lot and look for your car.

Step eleven: Once you find your car, drive to the nearest Starbucks, go into Starbucks with the kids in tow and order a coffee. Not a fancy specialized coffee, just a regular black coffee.

Step twelve: Once you get the coffee, give it to the kids and drive back home. Once you get back home turn back on the Barney DVD.

By this point you should have totally and completely lost your mind.

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