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any closer to true intimacy or love.

Despite the common terminology, virginity is not a gift to be given away. Sex is an activity that two people decide to engage in together. It is approached carefully not only because of the physical risks (pregnancy or disease) but because the emotional closeness involved can lead to heartbreak, particularly when one person feels they have submitted to the other.

2. It's grown-up to have sex

While sex may bring some grown-up consequences, like pregnancy, having sex doesn't make a person any more mature. No matter what experiences a teenager has, he or she is still a teenager. Only time and living will bring maturity.

Having sex for the first time may seem like crossing an imaginary line between childhood and adulthood. This is a dangerous myth. While having sex for the first time is a momentous experience, it does not fundamentally change who you are. Not for the better and not for the worse. Sex is merely an act that has potentially serious emotional and physical repercussions.

3. Once you've had sex, you have to keep having sex

Often a discussion of teenage sex focuses on his or her "first time" and fails to explore the teen's ideas about continuing sexuality. The first time a person has sex is momentous, however, there is more to sex than no longer being a virgin.

When considering sex, the same physical and emotional risks need to be assessed before each sexual encounter. That is true whether sex is with the same partner or with a new one. This is why sex is a complicated issue and shouldn't be taken lightly.

All people have the right to say no to sex. Always. Whether dating the same sexual partner or someone new, everyone has the right to decide not to have sex. No always means no and the decision does not have to be defended or explained.

Everyone has the right to decide what to do with his or her own body, regardless of what he or she has done in the past.

Deciding when to become sexually active is a complex personal decision. Teens should be encouraged to think about sex at an early age, ideally before they begin seriously dating. They should know that the decision to have sex will not end with the first sexual experience.

When parents talk to their teens, the discussion should include a review of the physical risks for disease and pregnancy and how to prevent them. It should also include the following questions:

- What does becoming sexually active really mean to him or her?
- There are the risks of pregnancy and disease, but what are the emotional risks?
- What happens if a relationship with "the one" ends?
- How much more difficult would a breakup be after having sex?
- What would having had sex mean for future relationships?

A discussion about sex may not be entirely comfortable for teenagers or for parents, but it is the best step parents can take to help their child decide if he or she is ready for sex.

Learn more about this author, Susan Quilty.
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